21 Days

Have I mentioned that it's only 21 days until we leave for Mexico? 3 weeks until I'm basking in the sun, sipping on a margarita - or tequila...



We need this vacation - it feels like a long time since our last get-away (even though it hasn't been that long!) and we always both feel so much better afterwards. It's time 100% away from thinking about IF, cycling or procedures. Well except for any children/babies and pregnant girls that will be in our group of course. There are a few of each - but I can do it!

Project "Mexico Body" has started!

This isn't a fad "lose weight quick" thing. My goal isn't to lose any weight. I just want to look and feel my best in Mexico. When you are in a bathing suit for a week with a lot of old friends and the family of said friends - you want to feel comfortable. Since we're going for a wedding there will be a lot of people in our group. The goal is to lose some bloat from not eating very "clean" the last few weeks and tone up a bit.

Here's my plan:
1. Cut out any random junk I munch on. I do eat pretty healthy so this should be fairly easy. Weekends around my DH will be a true test...
2. No carbs after 3PM. I've done this before and it works pretty well
3. No alcohol for the next few weeks. EXCEPT for the bachelorette party of course!
4. Not miss a single workout until we leave. This might be difficult but I'm going to do it. Running 3-4 times a week and the Shred on all the other days. And some days if I have a lot of energy - BOTH!

Can I do it? Yep. Will I? I better! There are 2 pretty skimpy VS bathing suits in my drawer that haven't been worn yet and my body needs a little more work for them to look fabulous! Wish me luck!

22 more days!

Forgot about these pictures!

Could he be any cuter??

I love him


Cutie


My amazing sister 2 hours after giving birth completely med free!


Proud Auntie


Proud Daddy

Left Behind?

Let me preface this post by saying that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new nephew. I can't stress that enough. I couldn't be happier for my sister and her DH. They are our best friends and I'm so glad that we live close so we can be in his life on an (almost) daily basis. But...

Here is reason number 283,392,038 why I hate our infertility: I feel sad that I am not experiencing what they are right now. I feel left behind and kind of left out. It's not rational, I know. But I feel left behind in life right now. We aren't moving on to that next step, we aren't and may never experience the joy of being new parents - we are just in a holding pattern that may last forever.

And do you know who the ONLY person is who has asked me how I'm doing with it? My awesome, lovely, new Mama sister and best friend E. She is dealing with a newborn, no sleep, hormones and she still thinks to ask how I'm feeling. How I'm doing. Could I get any more lucky to have her as my sister?? I think of everyone in my life she understands my pain better than anyone. Even better than DH sometimes(as hard as that is to admit) just because he is so much more closed off about it emotionally than I am. If he doesn't think about it it's not true right?!

**And E when you read this - I have no doubt in my mind you'll know exactly where I'm coming from and why and you won't be mad or feel bad about this post. :)**

What sparked this post you ask? I talked to my Mom today who is so very excited to be a first time Grandma - which I understand completely. She and my Dad go visit my sister to see them and the baby about every other night. And when she calls me that is what we talk about right now. Which is fine but for some reason today when we hung up I burst into tears. Again, not rational. At all. I guess in some stupid way I feel like I just don't fit in right now. Where does an infertile couple fit during such a new and exciting time? How can I be so selfish? Why in the back of my mind am I wondering why nobody thinks about how I might be feeling? Truthfully, they probably are but don't know what to say. When I am 100% excited too - where is this coming from?

Maybe I'm crazy, who knows. Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm sure it will be a better one. Tonight I'm going to hold that darling baby, hug my sister and feel better I'm sure of it.

Happy St Patty's Day!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the way we used to celebrate this day in college. Skipping class, hanging out at bars and pretty much partying all night! I do *kind* of miss that! It's so hard to grow up!
So it's just like any other day, waiting until 5 to get off work. But I do think I'll have a couple green beers tonight with DH. He has the day off and is lonely and bored! He does refuse to go anywhere that might be considered "ametur" night... Silly boy.

Cheers!

Baby Pic Warning

******WARNING to my IF Girls*****

I'm going to be posting some baby pictures of my nephew here and there, probably starting this week. I don't want to blindside anyone who reads my blog, I know how hard it can be when you aren't expecting it.

I'm an Auntie!!

My younger sister had her first baby on Wednesday, March 10th at 8:12PM. I was allowed to stay in the room and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
He weighed 8lbs 7oz and was 21.5in long. Things got a little hairy with both Mom and baby right after the delivery. Oliver had the cord around his neck and had fluid in his lungs which they had to work to get out. He is doing fine now though. My poor sister started bleeding really bad and they had trouble stopping it after the placenta finally came out. But she is doing fine now also - thank God!
My sister was amazing - totally med and intervention free delivery so I was impressed! She did it!
Lots of pictures will follow soon but I am in love with my nephew. He is the first one in the family so it's very exciting. He's going to be one spoiled boy!

Something to look forward to perhaps?

I've just been so down lately I thought I should think about something positive this afternoon! Work is slow, I'm bored and just feel like I'm waiting for this day to be over!

So here goes: DH is having his first Remicade infusion tomorrow morning at 8AM. And I'll be honest, I have A LOT of hope that this will be the fix for him. A lot. I really hope I'm not disappointed. I have a vision in my mind of him leaving the appointment and feeling like a new man. Which in turn makes me think I'll feel like a new woman tomorrow night when I get home from work. How amazing to come home to a healthy and happy hubby? Not one in PJs laying on the couch sick where he's been all day by himself. Which means tonight will be the last night he is miserable at work, cramping, rushing to the bathroom, etc.

Could it be? Something positive for a change? I think so... I hope so... Keep your fingers crossed.

It's So Hard

We have been having a hard time since my BFN last week. To make a long story short we've been discussing our options and we just don't have many. At this point we want OUR biological child - down the road we might be open to other options but right now we want a little Hoppy. SO badly. And in my heart of hearts I just don't think it's going to happen. Ever. I'm tearing up writing this but I just feel hopeless. I wish IVF weren't so expensive for us, I wish we weren't this couple dealing with IF, I wish DH didn't feel like a complete and utter failure because of his MFI and most of all I just wish we were happy right now. But if I'm being truthful - we aren't. We're sad. We're lost. We're angry.

One of my dear friends gave birth to her first baby on Friday March 5th and I am so happy for them. I can't wait to meet this little girl. But late Friday night I had a complete meltdown which makes me feel so guilty - it's unfair that when all I should be feeling is joy IF rears it's head and makes me feel sad. All I could think about was that it will never be me: I'll never get to see a positive pregnancy test, experience 9 months of pregnancy, choose a name, decorate a nursery or go through the amazing experience of labor and birth.

I'll stop now - I'm not in a good place and I can't stand feeling this way. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it brings something positive.

Finally...

I'm going to spend some time with DH tonight! He was out of town Friday-Sunday of last week and has worked every night since! So it's been 6 days and I miss him! We're doing our favorite post BFN activity - Happy Hour!

Cheers

IUI #4 = FAIL

I'm not surprised but it doesn't make it any easier. This is TMI but starting Sunday night I had really sore and tender nipples which was a 100% new symptom for me. I can't lie - it got my hopes up. I POAS this morning at 14dpiui and as soon as I did I felt SO foolish for holding out hope. I just knew it was going to be negative so I went downstairs, let the dogs out and fed them before coming back up to look. Stark white. Of course. DH was still in bed so I went and told him and he said "I'm sorry baby, I honestly thought you were pregnant this time" which made me cry. He was sad too but of course, won't show as much emotion. I am so tired of this infertility struggle and am really looking forward to a break from cycling the next 2 (AT LEAST) months. Mexico in April will be just what we need! A fun getaway!
AF should be here tomorrow - yippee... DH is working again tonight so I think we might hit up happy hour tomorrow night, why not?

Sorry this is such a downer post, it's my mood today. Tomorrow will be a new day.