Green Around the Gills

That's how I'm feeling right now. All day I've had a headache, just lingering and annoying. After lunch it was full-blown and it's making me feel like I'm going to vom... The only thing I can attribute it to is the Clomid. I felt fine when I woke up, I eat the same boring foods everyday... Nothing else to blame it on because ::knocks on wood:: I BETTER not be getting sick for real on a Friday!!!

Damn you Clomid, if I don't get out of this office soon I am going to have a melt down! My FIL is in town and I'm supposed to pick him up after work and we're meeting DH for dinner, ::gags:: I hope I'm feeling better by then. Only 3 more nights of Clomid...

I might not make it.

Dear Clomid,

Since my RE has upped my dose to 100mg from 50mg this letter is to ask you to please be good to me for the next 4 days. Please let me sleep at night, I know how you usually like to give me insomnia. And no hot flashes OK? Also could you please keep my irritability to a minimum? I'm already quite irritable that I have to take you to begin with since I can't seem to get pregnant. My DH would love this latter request as he'll be around for the next 4 days and he usually gets the brunt of the melt-downs... Also could you please help me grow lots of great follies so that we have a good chance this time? This is our last IUI, a "hail Mary" if you will. It would be great if you could do your part in this process.

Hugs & kisses,

MrsHoppy

Wordless Wednesday (Baby Nephew Warning!)

Moving Forward...

Slowly but surely we need to move forward. I say we but I really mean me, I think my DH is looking ahead instead of back. I've been in some kind of a hole of depression since Saturday's BFN. It probably doesn't look like it on the outside - but on the inside I'm not doing very well. All the feelings of being out of control and unhappy came flooding back. I guess that's what happens when your hope is - yet again - taken from you in an instant.

Questions are reeling in my mind... My mind is racing... I can't sleep... I feel anxious. It's time to call my therapist and make another appointment. As soon as I'm done here I will do that.

But, in moving forward news... I talked to my nurse yesterday and we're going to start 100mg of Clomid tomorrow, CD5-9. I have an u/s scheduled for 8/4 and then I realized something so annoying. We are going to be out of town 8/5-8/8 on my DH's annual family camping trip. One my DH organized and we can't miss. Family is coming in from out of town, the whole bit. So... I talked to my nurse again today and we're going to see how it plays out, timing-wise. Since we'll be gone I'm going to use OPKs (which will be interesting while camping...!) and if it's positive while we are gone we'll just do TI (sucktastic). If it's positive when we get back we'll do our final IUI (keeping fingers crossed for this!).

The positive is that we'll save $125 on a trigger shot this month, I've never had problems with OPK's before so I'm comfortable timing the IUI this way. The negative is that we'll have to cycle again next month if we miss the IUI because of being out of town. Just another month of meds, another u/s to pay for, more appointments and trying to time it around my birthday vacation in September which sucks ass.

We shall see how it all plays out and until then... all we can do is move forward.

Stark White

Yesterday was 14dpiui and so I POAS. Stark white of course. It hurt, I cried and my DH was amazing. He just held me and I know he was upset too. But in all honesty I wasn't very surprised. It's easy to dream of what it would feel like to see a positive test. To think about how it would feel to tell everyone something finally worked in our favor. But then reality hits and I just don't know if that's ever going to happen to me. To us.

I think we're planning to get IUI #6 out of the way in August. If that isn't successful I'll be looking into our next option. We have some ideas that I'll get into here if it comes to that.

Yesterday afternoon was kind of hard - we had plans to go up to our college town for a birthday BBQ. There were lots of pregnant friends and new babies there. I'm proud I did as well as I did but that could have been because our oldest dog came with us and ended up getting pretty sick. We had to take him to the emergency vet in that town and $470 later I'm glad to say that he is feeling much better today! We had fun, went to a bar we used to frequent when we lived there and spent time with old friends.



Hanging with Aaron



The boys, don't mind the middle finger!



I'm so happy I have him

311

While I wish I could say 311 was my EDD - I don't know yet! But what I do know is that I had a fabulous night at the 311 and Offspring concert last night with my sister and BIL. They put on an amazing show! And in Summer 2010 fashion of course it rained on us. Not as bad as MGMT but it seems that every time I go to Red Rocks this Summer it's going to rain...



Red Rocks!



Sad because of the rain

Love

This is what I love. The beautiful outdoors and my DH. I just need to look at pictures like this to remember how lucky I am - we might not have everything we want but we have each other.

Feeling Hopeless

I don't know why but today I'm just feeling like there is no way this is going to work out for us. Yesterday was kind of rough...

We were camping all weekend at the lake which was super fun (I'll post pictures tonight) but yesterday I woke up and my UTI is back. I've been so uncomfortable again, I guess the antibiotics I finished last week didn't kick it? I called my RE today since he's the one that ordered them last week and they wanted me to come in AGAIN to leave a urine sample. I haven't heard back yet but I need to get this taken care of right away since we'll be gone Wednesday-Friday in the mountains for a wedding. And I seriously DO NOT need another missed UTI that turned into a kidney infection like a couple years ago...

Then last night we attended the wedding reception of a good friend of mine from childhood and high school. We've know each other forever and the reception was beautiful! The only hard part was that all my highschool girl friends have either just had a baby or told me they were pregnant. One had her 4th boy in March, another had twins (her 3rd and 4th) last month and 2 others told me they are pregnant. I'm so happy for everyone and babies are such a blessing. But it's a blessing I'd like to have too, is that too much to ask? Seriously? Since I wasn't feeling well already we left kind of early.

On the way home we saw an accident involving a horse trailer. The poor horse was on the side of the road with a badly broken leg. I just broke down and cried. I was tired of holding in the emotion from the reception, tired of acting happy for everyone else. And I was honestly so sad for the horse, I hope he is OK. Then it turned into negative thinking about this IUI. I just keep thinking that what are the odds this will happen? Slim to none.

I know it's too early to get down but today is just an off day. I don't feel well, I'm tired and I'm ready for a long weekend. Now let's just hope that this UTI is taken care of so I can enjoy the long weekend with some of our best friends!!

Couples Therapy

Yesterday my DH and I had an appointment with my therapist - together. I was kind of nervous about it to be honest. She wanted to meet him after talking to me about all we've been going through with IF and how it's been affecting our marriage. She had a feeling he was as depressed as I've been but just not showing it (typical man right?). He was totally open to going which I was thankful for. Have I mentioned how much different he's been since our "blow-out" talk? That will be a whole seperate post but let me just say, it's been good, much better. :)

Anyway... We talked with her for about 45 minutes and I feel like we barely even touched on his feelings. I think there is a lot there that even he doesn't know about. He got teary a time or two when we talked about our IF and how it's "his fault". Also when he talked about how much he wants to have a baby with me... and here I go tearing up as I type this! The root of his feelings and guilt complex go back to him being a kid and feeling blamed or responsible for everything. There is too much detail to even get into but she said that he can change the way he thinks. It won't be easy but it will definitely benefit him in the long run. I want him to keep repeating "it's not my fault" until he starts to believe it!

When we were wrapping up she asked what we want to do for future appointments. DH was interested in making another one for us so I think we're going to continue going together. I like it, I feel like it's a "safe place" to say how we're feeling and have someone's opinion on it. Plus it's an hour of uninterrupted communication which is so important for us with our hectic schedules. She was so glad we've moved forward with our IUI and treatment plan for now. It was really important that we get out of that limbo stage we were in.

In other news we are heading to the lake tonight for the weekend to celebrate my Dad's 60th birthday! I can't believe he's 60 - and he doesn't look a day over 45. :) We'll have a fairly large group: my parents, my sister, BIL and nephew, Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins, a couple of thier friends, and DH's Mom and stepdad are coming too. Should be a fun time, I'm hoping to get some good sun for this wedding we're in next week! I'll post pictures when we get home!





Happy birthday Dad, we all love you very much and appreicate everything you do for our family! This is an old picture from Sturgis but it's all I have here at work!

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm riding on a roller coaster this week. Don't get me wrong, I love me a good roller coaster but not when it's my emotions on the ride! I go back and forth within MINUTES of feeling like maybe this IUI worked and then feeling like there is no way it could.

Part of me just doesn't want to get my hopes up (the smart me I think) - then there is the other part of me that is just dreaming of POAS and getting a BFP. What would it feel like to see 2 lines instead of just 1? What would it feel like to run out to my DH and tell him that we are going to have a baby in April (don't judge, of course I know when my due date would be!)? How would he feel to know that we finally succeeded in starting a family? How would it feel to tell our families and friends who know how much we've struggled with this?

I want to look at baby bedding online, to buy maternity clothes and plan a nursery. Further down the line I want to watch my child grow, learn new things, take him/her to the Zoo, buy Christmas and birthday gifts, watch them play with their cousin(s), have their first day of school. Is this too much to ask? I have all of this running through my mind and you know what? It's dangerous. I am going to be absolutely crushed if this doesn't work and the fact is: chances are not in our favor.

So you can see how this 2WW is getting to me. Already. And it's only 3dpiui... God help me. DH texted me last night and asked if I felt any different yet. Bless his heart, he is so cute. I wish I could have answered yes, I wish I had a crystal ball to see what our future holds. But I don't so we just wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. Until the 24th and if AF hasn't already arrived then I'll POAS.

4 million

IUI#5 is complete! 4 million post-wash was our number. DH was a little disappointnted with it but it's one of our best so far so I was glad. It only takes one right? He went camping and dirt biking so I spent time with family, had dinner with a friend and went to bed early. Today I spent all day outside at the lake for one of my best friend's bridal showers. We had a really good time and I got some good sun. Her wedding is less than 2 weeks away and I can't wait, it's going to be a great time.

It was a relaxing and low key weekend - exactly what I was looking for.

Now if everyone would just keep their fingers crossed that this works... I would be so ecstatic if we got our miracle. Why not us right?

I'm triggered!

And it hurts - the shot itself isn't bad really, my DH does a great job. But today the injection site is killing me! I'm lucky to not be doing daily IF injections so I can't really complain but man, I must have been tense when my DH gave me my shot last night! It's my upper right butt, the shot is IM so we do it there every time. Right between a little mole and my little tattoo. :) It hurts to sit in the car, the seat hurts and every bump is painful. It's been awhile since I had one (February to be exact from my dear sister!) and I don't remember it being this painful the next day.

I'm just reciting in my head "it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it". I'm in a good place today. I'm hopeful. And it's Friday, you just can't beat that!

Saturday at 8AM

I'll be dropping off a sample in the lab and waiting with my DH to be inseminated!

I can't believe this is CD17 and I still haven't surged on my own. So I went to the pharmacy, picked up my Novarel and we are on our way. DH will give me my shot tonight at 8PM. Always look forward to that... Really, it's not that bad but I just get anxious he'll hit a blood vessel or something. He's a pretty good shot though!

We were supposed to go camping to ride dirt bikes this weekend but I think I'm going to pass. The boys will be riding all day so I would be bored. I also have a bridal shower on Sunday so the weekend is just feeling really jam packed. And obviously I wouldn't be riding dirt bikes or the 4-wheeler in the 2WW anyway! I'm not that crazy!

I've been a little worried this week about a polyp my RE said he saw in my uterus on Tuesday. He said it wasn't of any concern but it's bothering me, I'm going to ask about it via email and see if we can talk about it Saturday. I'm already thinking ahead to IUI #6, I think I'd like to have it removed before then if #5 is a BFN. Just in case... We'll see, hopefully we don't even have to go there!

I'm feeling kind of hopeful today. I always do this. I say to myself over and over: "why NOT me?". Why can't it be our turn for a miracle this time? Then what usually happens is we get the post-wash numbers, I cry, I am inseminated and I go home and veg out for the day. Then 2 weeks later I either get a BFN or AF arrives in full force. Could this cycle be different?

"Why NOT me?"

Could it be...?

Are things perhaps going to look up for DH and I? I'm almost afriad to say anything, I don't want to jinx our new-found good luck!



No, it's not IUI or baby related. But we still got some good news yesterday! DH has kind of been looking for a new job the last couple months. Just giving his resume out to some of his clients, applying for jobs that look appealing online, you know how it goes when you start looking. Not too serious. Well last week he landed an interview with a company in their sales department. The interview went awesome and he said they practically offered him the job but had other candidates to interview. They left him a message last Friday asking him to call back Tuesday (yesterday)...



Sure enough he got the job!!! We were excited but very skeptical because the pay is 100% comission. We really can't afford to lose his income right now, especially since we are cycling this month and we have some other things scheduled. I had the brilliant idea that he ask if they would consider letting him work part-time. They loved him and said they would be happy to work around his current schedule so he starts training TOMORROW! He is so nervous, it's adorable. I don't blame him though, it's always scary to make a change.



It's going to be a lot of work on the home front. But the good news is that it won't keep him away from me any more than his current job does. He'll just be losing a lot of his free time and days off at home during the day so I'll have to start picking up that slack. I'm anticipating doing all the cleaning for awhile... I don't mind, I'm so excited for him and hopeful that this is something wonderful for him. We shall see! Keep your fingers crossed for us!

IUI #5 Update

What a busy weekend! It was super fun though, I spent SO much time with DH and it was just what we needed. No fighting, bickering or disagreements. I don't want to speak too soon but I think things might be looking up! I'll post pictures soon.

We also had some serious conversations about our future which I'll share soon...

But really I wanted to give a quick update on IUI#5. I had my first u/s appointment Saturday morning and things looked good. My follies were growing more slowly this cycle but there were a few more than usual. Little small ones that won't catch up but I'm wondering if that's the reason why? I had 3 all around 12-14 I think so I made another appointment for Tuesday morning (today!)

Sunday I started feeling like I was getting UTI. I get these more than anyone I know, it feels like I get them all.the.time. I chugged water and said a prayer hoping it would go away on it's own. No such luck. It bothered me all day yesterday and then last night woke me up, full fledged UTI.

After barely sleeping I got up at 6, got ready for work and made the trek down to my RE's office. On my way I called and they set up a u/a at the lab before my u/s. So I peed in my cup and headed over to see the vag cam again. Things progressed nicely since Saturday. I have a 19, a 17 and a 12 which should be mature for the IUI. They are going to have me to OPKs for the next 2 days and if I haven't surged on my own by Thursday I'll go pick up my shot, trigger Thursday night and have my IUI Saturday morning!

Have I ever mentioned how annoying the timing is for IUI's? Especially for us with MFI, we want him to have 2 days since ejaculation at least but no more than 4... It's so hard to tell when it will be with this wonky slow cycle so we're winging it... I just want good numbers to go with our good follies!!

Busy Weekend Ahead!

Whew, this week has been so busy! DH has been working all week, we had friends over last night after dinner with my Grandma. Thankfully I was able to take this morning off to get some yard work done. We'll try to get the house cleaned tonight. DH got SO much done yesterday - it makes me so happy when he's productive. ;)

So tomorrow is going to be busy. I have an appointment with the vag cam at 8AM. I am hoping I have 2-3 great follies! Trigger should be tomorrow night or Sunday night with IUI#5 on Monday or Tuesday morning. Any T&P would be great. I'm really off and on about how I'm feeling about this... I want to do it but I'm so terrified of another disappointing treatment cycle... But that's a whole other post!

Anyway... Then we'll be getting food and the house ready for a BBQ with friends and family Saturday afternoon at 3. I'm really looking forward to it - it's going to be a mish-mash of people: family, my friends, DH's friends and some of his work buddies. Should be a good time!

Sunday we don't have any firm plans except that I want to watch fireworks somewhere! I absolutely love the 4th of July. I love Summer and everything that goes along with it! DH got Sunday night off so I'm super excited to spend the whole day with him!

Monday I took a vacation day at work. Sucks we don't have coverage for our office, it seems like so many people have the day off! I think we're probably just going to hang out before he goest to work that night. Thenk I *think* my sister and I are finally going to go shopping for her birthday gift! She has been working really hard to lose her baby weight and it's time for a couple new cute shirts for her!

I can't wait for a 3 day weekend. It's very needed right now... Hope everyone has a safe and fun 4th of July! Please remember not to leave your pets outside unattended - fireworks can scare them and it's one of the biggest times for lost animals...