I've been a bad blogger!

It was a busy week at work and my computer was freezing up every time I logged on. What is new this week?

AF arrived and I realized that I am 29 and on cycle 29 of being off BC. 29/29 and it's depressing. I know we don't have a shot in hell of getting pregnant on our own but the thought of a surprise BFP is always in the back of my mind. Sad right? Pathetic? AF is just another reminder of what we can't, and may never have.

Living "child free" has been on our minds lately. So much so that we are talking about selling our big house here in the 'burbs and buying in the city. We don't need 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and all the space for just the 2 of us. On one hand it makes me sad, I LOVE our house. It's the house we bought together, decorated together, finished the yard, the basement, built a huge deck. All with the hope that we would have an adorable family to share it with. It may not end up that way. Not to mention that my sister, BIL and adorable nephew are about 2 miles away. It would be so hard to move even 30 minutes from them after being so close for so long. We'll see, DH called and talked to our realtor so we'll meet with him next week. We definitely aren't going to make a move without doing well and making money on this house. But it's a possibility and I am torn about it...

In fun news - IT'S THE WEEKEND! And it's Memorial Day weekend! We are hanging here tonight, packing and getting ready for 2 nights of camping. I am super excited, it will truly feel like Summer once we are outdoors more. And it's the first camping trip for my nephew - I'm sure he'll love it! :)

Confession

I hope everyone out there doesn't think I'm crazy but I'm going to confess to something: I would MUCH prefer to sleep alone. So much so that my DH is banned to the guest room for the next few nights. For those of you that can't believe a loving wife would want to sleep seperate from her husband let me give you the backstory...

1. He works until about 2AM 3 nights a week. That means that when he finally comes to bed at about 3:30AM he wakes me up - and a lot of times I can't fall back to sleep. This makes for a very grumpy, tired and angry MrsHoppy.

2. Midnight molester - yep - guilty as charged. Him, not me. He gets so handsy in his sleep, trying to get into my pants and talking dirty. All it does is wake me up and makes me grumpy, tired and angry the next day. And he really is mostly asleep when he does it. It was funny the first 100 times but not so much anymore...

3. The Stink - Yes, he has UC but I swear sometimes I am woken up by his, ummm, toots? He has a disease, he can't help it but I can't help that I am tired of sleeping with the King of Stink!

4. And lastly - he is sick this week. Poor boy has a cold but he is SNORING up a storm. I'm a light sleeper so last night was a disaster. All of the above - except #3 - were going on. 3 out of 4 isn't bad right? Not when you have to be up early and work all day!

So tonight he is sleeping in the guest room. The bed is awesome, the featherbed on it is super comfy and it has dark shades so he can sleep in. Why then is he acting like I killed his dog? It won't hurt either of us to get a good night of sleep. I won't be mad, waking him up to tell him to stop snoring and without his madness I *might* sleep a full 8 hours. Uninterrupted.

I can't wait to go to bed tonight!

Let's Talk

Weight. Body Image. Yes, I said it. Weight and Body Image. Subjects not many women are confident in. Including myself.

I was thin throughout my High School years. It was easy. But guess what? I went to college and all that changed. I was a chubby girl for a few years. Think me but 25 pounds heavier with big cheeks and 2 chins. I just loved to eat... and eat... and eat. I have a pretty small frame and believe me, 25 extra pounds was hard on my body, hard on my body image and not at all good for my self esteem in general. Then I focused. Something inside me clicked and I started running, lifting weights, biking, hiking, eating right and being active. It was pretty easy to lose the weight and then some - and to keep it off. But let's face it. I'm getting older and I swear it's not as easy as it was even 8 months ago!

I try pretty hard to be happy with the way I look but sometimes I fail. Big time. Like this morning when I weighed and didn't see a number I liked. How is it that a little number can ruin your morning?? And why is it that this week I am a snack-machine?? It's simple really - I need to eat clean, stop snacking at night and keep working out. I am diminishing all my work out results by eating crackers! It's not worth it. Feeling good about myself is WAY better than eating popcorn and laying on the couch. But stressing over a number isn't healthy either. Where is the balance?

I can't start eating out of boredom. Or because of stress. I'm not sure where this is coming from but it has to stop. This is my cycle: I tend to freak out for a day, get back on track and then I'm fine. I'll be back where I want to be in a week or two. 2-3 pounds isn't a huge deal right? So why do I make it one...? I guess I'm afraid of going back to where I was.

I don't want to put such an emphasis on my body but in all honesty I feel better when I look good. I like to slip into my (freshly washed) favorite jeans and have them fit perfectly. I feel healthier when I'm not mowing on salty food at 8PM!

Blah, Blah, Blah

This is just how I'm feeling today. And it is not very enjoyable... Before IF I was so happy-go-lucky. Nothing phased me - I had a great house, fun DH, supportive family and friends - I was content. Life was fun! Then I got run over by the IF bus...

Do you know how frustrating it is to not feel content? To feel like you are waiting either for something good to happen to you or for yet ANOTHER pregnancy announcement from someone IRL? My DH even just asked me "who did you find out is pregnant?" just because I'm not myself today. Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to have the things I do and I'm thankful for my life and all the blessings I have. I just feel like I'm waiting for something to make my life meaningful. Does that make any sense at all or am I just a crazy person?

If it's not a child what will it be? A new job? A new house? My DH magically making buckets of money so I can stay at home and be a SAHW (LOL, that will NEVER happen!) I'm not actively looking for anything different in any of these areas so why would any of them change? I almost wish my DH would find a good job out of state and we could start over fresh. New jobs, hopefully new insurance (that covers IVF!!), new house, new everything.

I am feeling the urge to have a clean slate...

Account Temporarily Deactivated?

So weird, I tried to log on this morning and had to have a password texted to me to get onto my Blogger account? Anyone else have this happen and know why?

I hope I'm not in trouble...

Frustration

Saturday morning my DH and I decided to go out for a run with our pup. I was so excited because we haven't run together in MONTHS. Mostly because DH kind of fell off the working out wagon... But he's back on now!

I was so disappointed and frustrated when we got done. I guess my crazy back and sciatic issues have slowly done a number on my pace. I was so slow compared to him - and he hasn't been running for the last 4 years like I have. I almost cried. It makes sense though, I haven't been able to do my usual twice a week sprint trainings, incline/hill runs and even getting 3 miles done has become a (literal) pain in the ass. I just can't do it physically. A close friend asked me if I wanted to do a relay marathon with her next year and I didn't know what to even say - will I be able to run at all by then? And if I'm going to do a race I want to do WELL. I have been avoiding races the last year for this very reason.

I'm so tired of being in pain I could scream. I'm tired of feeling held back - for someone as active as I am it is extremely frustrating. And with Summer coming up I'm just dreading more disappointment as I try to do my normal activities. I guess it's back to the chiropractor to see if they can help me...

The Day My DH's Heart Stopped

I need to do a post all about Mexico :) but for some reason the last few days this subject has been on my mind. Perhaps it's because I've been crabby with him the last couple days (thank you AF!) or because we were spending so much time together on vacation but I have been thinking about that day a lot...

No, I'm not talking about the day he met me! *wink, wink* I'm talking about the day his heart literally stopped and he had to be brought back by nurses and doctors. And do I remember the exact date? Nope, he does but for the life of me I can't remember! Here's the story...

I'll start at the beginning: It was the Summer of 2003, I had just graduated from college and moved about an hour away from our college town where he was still living. I had my first "real" job and of course he came down almost every weekend to visit me and my crazy roommates. We partied, we played, we went camping, we had fun. But we were noticing he had to "go" a lot more and he was starting to lose weight. And when he "went" it was becoming bloody. I won't get much more graphic than that but, long story long, he was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis right before he went back to school in the Fall.

Now if you don't know anything about UC (and I didn't) it's a pretty bad auto-immune disease. Related to Crohn's. His Dad also has it too but my DH has an extremely bad case. It's literally ulcers in your colon and intestines that are inflamed, bleeding and cause an insane amount of cramping. In a matter of months my big, burly 220lb boyfriend turned into a very sick, weak 160lb boyfriend. He couldn't eat, he couldn't go to school, he had zero energy and didn't ever leave his house. I started visiting him on weekends since he couldn't make the drive to my house. It didn't help that he had pretty much dismissed the symptoms for the whole Summer. By the time he was diagnosed it was out of control.

In late September I was leaving his house on a Sunday evening. Damn real job and work on Monday mornings! He was feeling especially bad and had been complaining that his leg and groin area hurt. We didn't think anything of it - it seemed that everyday he was hurting somewhere new. Until he woke up Monday morning and his leg and man bits were extremely swollen. After spending the day in the ER they found he had a blood clot. And not just any old blood clot, it extended from his groin to his foot. His WHOLE leg.

So what do these genius doctors do? They put him on Coumadin (blood thinner) to treat the clot. Did they think about the fact that he was losing TONS of blood every day in his stools? Nope, didn't give it a 2nd thought. The medicine they gave him pretty much caused him to bleed out over a couple of days. 2 weeks in the hospital and 8 blood transfusions later he still wasn't getting better. During a particularly bad day he was sitting on his portable toilet, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, feeling very off - and it happened. He coded, his heart stopped and he crashed onto the floor, toilet and all. They were able to revive him pretty quickly and thankfully his Dad was there when he woke up. I was in the car on my way up to visit him. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes later to be told by his tearful Dad that I couldn't see him for awhile and his heart had stopped? It was one of the worst moments of my life. We spent the evening together alone in his room crying. It was so scary.

So that's my story. And writing it down and thinking about it so much this week makes me want to hug and kiss him and tell him how thankful I am that he is here with me, not just a boyfriend anymore, but my husband. I WILL do that this evening when he gets home from work. :)