Fall is in the air!

I woke up cold last night, we had all the windows in our room open and I was snuggled under the blankets. I loved it! I woke up early to run outside and I was chilly while I was walking to warm up. Fall is definitely in the air.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons I think. I love Colorado since we get to experience all 4 seasons and I love when they start to change. This is my birthday month (and Vegas month!) and also marks the start of football! Some other things I'm looking forward to are:

- all things pumpkin - beer, lattes, carving them, seeds

- all things football - Texas playing every Saturday (and hopefully winning!), Sundays spent eating chili in front of the TV watching the Broncos (hopefully winning!), and most of all my DH not working on Sundays anymore. This is by far the best part of this Fall.

- the mountains - the changing Aspens, staying a weekend at a hotel in October up there where we'll watch football and eat yummy food with friends, the occasional Fall snow storm

- home decor - I'll be busting out the Fall and Winter duvet cover, snuggly blankets, candles, my pretty Fall wreath and in November some Thanksgiving decorations too

- clothes - I'm so tired of my Summer clothes I can't wait to start wearing cute jeans, long sleeves, cozy sweaters, boots and of course hoodies. Where would we be without hoodies?!

Before we know it Winter will be here.

My goals for Fall are simple. Enjoy my life, watch tons of football, drink beer, spend time with friends and family and of course watch my nephew as he grows and learns. We spend so much time with him and every week he looks older and has done something new. I love it, I love him, he makes me so happy.

Right now - Life is good. My DH and I had a serious conversation about our future this past Saturday. Of course nothing has been decided for sure but I feel good. We still have some soul searching to do but we are on the same page - for now anyway. More on that later, this post is dedicated to all things FALL!!

I wish I had a picture to post of something Fall from last year but I'm at work. I'll have new ones soon enough to share!

TGIF!

So happy it's almost the weekend. I had a doctor's appointment at 7:45 this morning and another one this afternoon at 2PM. More on that later... I want to be done before I get into the details.

I am SO looking forward to this weekend. I'll be off work early today for my appointment (yay!) and then meeting up with great girlfriends for dinner. We're going out for Mexican, my favorite! And some much needed girl time. I think I might end up cleaning the house tonight - my DH is working super late and I like to stay up late so why not?

Tomorrow I think I'm going to get up and go for a 5 mile run. It's a loop around the neighborhoods near our house that I haven't tried yet. I'm due for a long run (long for me!) and I think it will do me good to start the weekend off right. We're going shopping tomorrow afternoon for a few things for Vegas and I can't wait! Shopping is one of my many loves... Watch out Express!

And I'm really excited about Sunday. Sometimes my DH's job is awesome, as much as I hate to admit it, it is. :) Someone he knows gave us 4 club seat tickets to the Bronco game Sunday night - for free! So we're taking my sister and her hubby - aka our besties. The sitter is lined up so it will be an adult evening. Can't wait! It's supposed to be hot, hot, hot! Let's hope we finally have a win...

So, lots to look forward to this weekend. Lots of things to keep me busy and happy. Which is my focus. Oh and only 13 days until Vegas!!! But who's counting?

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This was where my Saturday was spent...

No Miracles...

No miracle for us. I tested yesterday at 13dpiui and it was stark white. Again. Story of my life. Now I'm just waiting for AF to confirm what I already know. I wasn't the least bit surprised though, and I didn't get upset. I got that out of my system 2 weeks ago when I found out the post-wash numbers right before our final attempt at IUI. But now what do we do?

I'm lost. I don't know where I belong. I don't know how we will begin to make the incredibly difficult decisions we are now being forced to make. I feel like it's so unfair. Did I do something terrible in a past life to deserve this situation?! On the other hand I do know things could be a lot worse.

But you know what? I'm not feeling the sinking depressed feeling I usually feel after a failed cycle. It's really weird and hard to admit but - I almost feel relieved. Not relieved it didn't work of course, but relieved that cycling, counting days, praying for good numbers, ultrasounds, taking horrible meds, getting shots and the continued disappointment is finally over. At least for awhile anyway...

What will our next steps be? I can honestly say that right now I have NO idea. We're going to be on a break for awhile, that's for sure. I think we'll take time off from even thinking about IF. Then in a couple months we'll sit down, weigh our options and make some very tough decisions. IVF or live child-free? I think those are our 2 options. My DH isn't very interested in adoption. He wants to be a father of course but a lot of that desire is tied up in watching a child that is 1/2 me and 1/2 him grow up. He wants to see pieces of us in his child and I understand and respect that. We've also discussed living child-free. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world. We would just have to work hard at filling up our life with other things we love. We have friends that aren't going to have children. And we have friends that do and we adore those children. We just have to figure out what is best for US.

As some of my family and IF girls know I've started a process that may give us a better idea of whether IVF will be a possibility for us - more on that later.

For now I'm going to focus on positive things in my life. I have to. My birthday trip is in just 15 days - we're headed to Vegas with a ton of friends to celebrate me turning the big 3-0! And I won't be holding back... ;) Also there is college (TEXAS!) football to look forward to, a long weekend for Labor Day, Fall in general and a trip to see friends and family in Florida in November. All in all we are pretty lucky. This blog is going to be upbeat and celebrating the life I do have for awhile!!

"Wait"

OK, I stole this poem from another blog this afternoon and it couldn't hit closer to home. For the last couple years and especially the last year I have really struggled with faith. I grew up going to church, I believe in God but after a few bad experiences in churches I haven't been a big fan of them... I still have my beliefs, I'm just not sure where God fits into my life. And church hasn't been part of my life in a long time. I ask these questions in my head over and over...

Why would God pick and choose who gets to be a mother?

Why do people that don't want children, neglect or abuse children have no trouble getting pregnant?

Why are some made to suffer so much more than others?

Why does a couple have to suffer through infertility, losses, losing babies born too soon? Even one of those things should be enough for one person...

But I like this poem. Here it is:

“Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,and the Master so gently said, "wait""

Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?

I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign or even a no to which I’ll resign You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive

Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.You'd never experience the fullness of love when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask from an infinite God who makes what you have last.You'd never know should your pain quickly flee what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though often my answers seem terribly late,my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Sorry it's kind of all in a blob but you get the idea. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes the first time I read it. I guess I'll just wait...

Oxymoron

Why, oh why is the air conditioner blasting all God-forsaken day in this office while I run my space heater in my lap?? How does that make any sense? Granted, I am usually colder than anyone else but this is ridiculous! I have perma-goosebumps! The only satisfaction I have is that the ones keeping the arctic temperature here are paying the bills for both to run... ;) I am so bad.

In other news we had a FABULOUS weekend. The IL's were in town and I always love having them. DH's Dad and stepmom are great. Sunday we went to the Mile High Music Festival and I had such a good time. We got to see Train, Weezer, Atmosphere and of course my personal favorite Dave Matthews. There were other great bands thrown in there too, believe me! We took Monday off from work (which is always a bonus!) and got the house cleaned up after our guests left and grocery shopped. 7 people sure can use a lot of towels, sheets, silverware and plates!

Well, the air just came back on, ::pulls space heater into lap::, and it's kind of hard to type with this thing in the way...

Wordless Wednesday