We have been having a hard time since my BFN last week. To make a long story short we've been discussing our options and we just don't have many. At this point we want OUR biological child - down the road we might be open to other options but right now we want a little Hoppy. SO badly. And in my heart of hearts I just don't think it's going to happen. Ever. I'm tearing up writing this but I just feel hopeless. I wish IVF weren't so expensive for us, I wish we weren't this couple dealing with IF, I wish DH didn't feel like a complete and utter failure because of his MFI and most of all I just wish we were happy right now. But if I'm being truthful - we aren't. We're sad. We're lost. We're angry.
One of my dear friends gave birth to her first baby on Friday March 5th and I am so happy for them. I can't wait to meet this little girl. But late Friday night I had a complete meltdown which makes me feel so guilty - it's unfair that when all I should be feeling is joy IF rears it's head and makes me feel sad. All I could think about was that it will never be me: I'll never get to see a positive pregnancy test, experience 9 months of pregnancy, choose a name, decorate a nursery or go through the amazing experience of labor and birth.
I'll stop now - I'm not in a good place and I can't stand feeling this way. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it brings something positive.
I have moved
5 weeks ago