Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's So Hard

We have been having a hard time since my BFN last week. To make a long story short we've been discussing our options and we just don't have many. At this point we want OUR biological child - down the road we might be open to other options but right now we want a little Hoppy. SO badly. And in my heart of hearts I just don't think it's going to happen. Ever. I'm tearing up writing this but I just feel hopeless. I wish IVF weren't so expensive for us, I wish we weren't this couple dealing with IF, I wish DH didn't feel like a complete and utter failure because of his MFI and most of all I just wish we were happy right now. But if I'm being truthful - we aren't. We're sad. We're lost. We're angry.

One of my dear friends gave birth to her first baby on Friday March 5th and I am so happy for them. I can't wait to meet this little girl. But late Friday night I had a complete meltdown which makes me feel so guilty - it's unfair that when all I should be feeling is joy IF rears it's head and makes me feel sad. All I could think about was that it will never be me: I'll never get to see a positive pregnancy test, experience 9 months of pregnancy, choose a name, decorate a nursery or go through the amazing experience of labor and birth.

I'll stop now - I'm not in a good place and I can't stand feeling this way. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it brings something positive.


  1. I am so incredibly sorry. I just want you to know that it is COMPLETELY normal to have these have these thoughts and break down. Do not feel guilty. The whole thing is one huge process, it will have it's ups and downs and it is an emotional roller coaster. Right now you guys feel lost and desperate and you are at a low point. It is going to work out! I am praying for you.

  2. Once you go through IF, you are never ever the same. The pain is always there, even if it gets pushed back a little and experiences (like your friend's baby) that should be happy are tainted with your own feelings. But don't feel bad about your feelings, its normal to feel that way.

    I know its easy to give up hope, but don't. Even situations that seem impossible can turn themselves around when we least expect it.

    I pray that you find a path that leads you to your baby. I know I am just a blog follower but I truly believe that every day, you are ONE DAY closer to becoming a mother. You are meant to be a mom. It will happen for you. Don't give up.

    Thinking of you.

  3. I just wanted to send you big hugs on this post. This is how I have been feeling recently too, and I know I have to stay positive for my own sanity (and DH's sanity as well). I hope everything works out and we are both pg soon! xoxox