DH and I both think we should work on this in our marriage. And to be honest, it's harder for me than it is for him. I am just SUCH a planner - I like to know exactly what our plans are, what my week looks like and what our weekend plans are. It's hard for me to skip a workout to go do something, or to come upon a weekend with no plans, and ::gasp::, NOT make any! Even at work I am very organized with my calendar... What can I say?
I know, boring right? But I can't help it, I am a planner, a list maker, organized and a little bit of a perfectionist. It's not negative per se... But some spontaneity wouldn't kill me!
So yesterday I realized that our local MLB team was playing at 6:40PM. DH was off work so that worked... I contacted a friend who works for the organization since the game was sold out. He could get us tickets! So I jumped on it and called DH to let him know we were having a date night! It ended up being a really fun evening. We sweat our butts off until about 8 since our seats were in the sun, drank beers, ate nachos and walked around. It was great to get out and DO something instead of staying home and doing the same old stuff.
I'm feeling better about our relationship this week. I see him making an effort to include me in things, to spend time with me even if we are just relaxing at home. Last night we talked about how easy it is to please me. Seriously, I just want to spend time with him! Well that's not ALL I want of course but pretty damn close... ;)
Yesterday I was on the highway close to work finally driving home after the longest afternoon of my life. (Seriously, when will we win the lottery so I don't have to work here anymore?!?) Anyway... I was behind or next to a D.A.R.E van for most of the way. A Sheriff D.A.R.E van at that - clearly marked with lights on top.
He was behind me when a Subaru decided to cut me off, causing me to slam on my breaks and therefore causing him to slam on his breaks. The Subaru continues to drive rudely for a few more minutes, trying to cut in and out of traffic. Then she veers left into the HOV (carpool lane ONLY here in CO) to pass someone on the left. It is 5PM, there is traffic bumper to bumper. Does she not see the GIANT van with lights on top? Well she finally must have because she cut someone else off to scoot back into the left lane. Hoping she wasn't busted I'm sure...
Too late! He saw her and promptly pulled her over. My heart was singing, I even called my sister to tell her all about it. She appreciated it as much as I did. Because being the driver I am (more on that later I guess...) I felt that someone that thinks they are the only person on the road finally got what they had comin'! Thanks Mr Sheriff Man!
Hello AF, nice to see you today! And I am not being sarcastic for once! Why, you ask, would someone be glad to see that evil witch? My answer is this: timing. Pure and simple.
My therapist thinks it's a good idea to get these last 2 IUIs done ASAP so that I can move forward and out of this limbo stage I feel I have been in. And I agree. So since AF showed today my monitoring appointments will all work out, I can take my Clomid (very sarcastic yay!) CD 5-9 and then trigger and have my IUI 36 hours later.
Do I think that after 4 failed IUIs this one will be magically successful? No, I don't. But at the beginning of this journey we discussed our stopping point with our RE and he thought we should give 6 IUIs a shot. So that's always been our number, 6... Let's get the #5 party started... Or something like that...
Not to mention that this 2WW has been awful. Swollen, sore boobs and I've been exhausted. So I hope with her arrival things go back to normal. Although my DH was pretty impressed with the "girls" this weekend. He'll miss them but I will not!
Have I mentioned what an amazing place Colorado is to live yet? And it's not only because I'm a native - it really is beautiful! Especially in the Summer - there is so much to do outdoors and I try to take full advantage.
We really have had a fun Spring so far. We've camped, gone to the lake to boat and camp and I spent time with my best girl friends in the mountains. Last Summer I hiked my first 14'er, we went on a 4 day raft trip and grilled a ton on our amazing deck. This post is going to be a hodge-podge of fun pictures so prove I really do have a pretty amazing life...
I took a turn rowing on our raft trip
Our last day
DH hanging over the edge on a hike...
Hiking on our raft trip
With my SIL
It's pretty easy for me, I am just along for the ride!
In the next few days I'm going to do a happy post. One with pictures and limited IF and depression talk! My blog has been pretty down the last couple weeks so it's time for a "fluffy" post! More to come! :)
Yesterday I posted about how I emailed my RE for some names of therapists that deal with IF patients. My wonderful IF nurse emailed right back with 5 names. Yesterday afternoon I called and asked about each one. And it looked like I wasn't going to get in until the 2nd week of July?! Now, if you know me, you know that once I decide I'm going to do something I don't want to wait. I want to do it NOW! Imagine my excitement when the nice gentleman on the phone stumbled upon a cancellation? For this morning at 8:45?! I snatched that appointment right up - even before clearing it with the boss-man. Because I needed to go.
And I'll tell you - I'm so glad I did. I was nervous for some reason, I've never seen a therapist before and didn't know what to expect. Was I going to lay on a couch while a stuffy old man stared at me and waited for me to talk?!
Not the case. My therapist is a woman, probably my Mom's age. Very nice and laid back. And she's a runner, into fitness and loves dogs. Could we be a better match?! I know I won't know for sure after ONE appointment but it felt good, it felt right. She went through the paperwork I filled out and we jumped right into talking about IF. Which promptly caused me to cry. Which I apologized for. And she said the best thing: "This is why you are here. Don't apologize, here is a tissue." And I felt so at ease. We talked about our IF, how it's affecting my marriage, body image, work and the other aspects of my life. She decided I am in fact - Depressed. Probably with a capital "D". We talked about what I'm doing to manage it. Turns out I'm already doing everything she would suggest to manage my feelings. Except maybe one thing... Which we are going to focus on:
Dealing with my sadness, feeling OK about being sad and being able to communicate my sadness to my DH. I need to feel like my feelings are valid. And accepted. Bottom line, those things need to happen. She feels that maybe he and I need to grieve together instead of filling up every minute of our lives to avoid the grief. Ding, ding! Is that what we've been doing? I think maybe it is. We also need to get these last 2 IUIs out of the way. Me being in a kind of "limbo" isn't helping anything. At least we'll know where we are and where we stand at that point. We also talked a lot about my DH and she wants to meet with us together next time. I think he'll be up for this so I'll schedule the appointment after I discuss it with him. And I'll continue to do solo meetings as well.
Now to the part of the appointment (which was a full hour by the way!) that was kind of hard for me. Medication. She thinks I need it and I don't want it. Don't get me wrong, she did NOT push them on me. Merely asked how I felt about it (and I said I didn't think so) and she thinks that I am not just situationally depressed, but biologically depressed. She thinks it will help me but we decided to discuss it again in a month or 2 and see what kind of progress I'm making. Again, since I'm doing everything I can to manage my depression she didn't have many more suggestions. I read about IF, I write my feelings here, I exercise a good deal and of course I have my Bumpie friends to support me. I think I'll also ask my RE about support groups in the area. I've checked Resolve and there isn't one anywhere near us now but that doesn't mean something similar doesn't exist!
Sorry this was so rambling - I wanted to write down the main points and what I liked so I don't forget. I can check Step 1 off my list. I will get better and enjoy my life again. The grief of IF won't ever go away but I believe it will get easier.
I emailed my RE this morning for some recommendations for a counselor/therapist within my insurance guidelines. I asked for someone they have used, someone that is familiar with talking to women/men dealing with infertility. We'll see what they come up with. This morning has been rough so it prompted me to take the plunge...
It all started on the scale - Up 1/2 a pound which I hate. I guess I'm eating out of boredom at night since I'm lonely and I'm eating during the day to comfort myself? This is my reasoning right now and either way - I don't like it. I lost about 20 pounds 4 years ago and I do NOT want to gain even an oz back. I haven't really - yet - but I feel out of control which I don't like. Time to get focused on what food is for: nourishment for my body so I can run, lift, be active and enjoy life. NOT for entertainment or comfort.
Then I got stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work. There was an accident. So I called my "boss" to let him know I would be late and could he PLEASE be on time to open up the office? Guess who strolled in about the same time as me, being late? Surprise, surprise... I don't know why that gets under my skin so much.
Then the phone was ringing off the hook. I was stuck on a call with someone for 25 minutes. It started promising but to make a long story short this person wasn't honest with me and wasted every minute I spent on the phone. Double annoying.
Hmmm, what next? A misunderstanding with DH on the phone, one we can't even iron out since I'm at work and can't hash it out on the phone. Oh and we can't work it out tonight or tomorrow because he's working. This weekend? Nope, he's going out of town. ::sigh::
So my friends, do you see why I need to get into therapy ASAP? Looking at each of these things that nearly send me over the edge is actually embarassing. Who gets upset over those little things? Life isn't perfect and no day will be perfect. I guess someone who is struggling with depression would almost cry because of a morning like this? I don't know but I hope I can talk to someone soon that does...
That's what happened in the Hoppy household last night. MrHoppy got home at about 8PM and I hadn't seen him since Sunday. We go through this every week but last night was a doozy. It's hard to communicate only by phone during the day when I'm at work - you can't have meaningful conversations with an office listening. And only by text at night while he's at work - and we all know how things can be misunderstood via text. So, inevitably communication lacks during the week. This usually leads to tense conversations - or sometimes a fight the first time we see each other and have about a million things to talk about and get worked out from the week.
It wasn't good - at first. I actually left for 2 hours and came home in a better frame of mind. Believe me, we weren't fighting about anything important. But... as with many men (I think?) he bottles things up and they come out randomly during a fight. It's not healthy and it's very frustrating to be on the receiving end of that.
So... in the end it worked out for the better. We sat at the kitchen table until 11PM and talked. Talked about our sadness - come to find out he is very sad too which is oddly comforting to me. How he feels like he's losing me. How I feel like maybe I'm dealing with something a little more than just the blues. He doesn't think I love him as much as he loves me :::insert my tears here::: and that broke my heart. I love him so much I just don't know how we got here or how "to get it back to good" (thanks Matchbox 20).
The only hard part in confessing I think I might be a tad depressed was that (again, a man thing maybe?) he wanted to know what was so TERRIBLE about my life that would make me feel that way? What could he do to fix it (some things just can't be fixed!)? He doesn't really understand that I don't think my life is so terrible, I know I'm lucky to have the things I do but there is just a nagging sadness I can't put my finger on. I can't explain it and he wanted me to be able to. We just had to leave that alone for now... I don't know why I'm sad, the only way I can explain it is that my life isn't terrible but I'm not content. If that makes any sense at all?
Don't get me wrong - our marriage has been great and strong until the last maybe 6 months or so? I honestly think it's the stress and sadness creeping up on us in our struggle with IF. What are we going to do about it you ask? I'm going to call our insurance ASAP and find out if there is someone I can start talking to - a counselor or therapist. We're going to see how that goes. Then if we feel like maybe couples counseling will help that will be our next step. We'll fix this, I know we will. I'm just the type of person that wants it fixed NOW. Or yesterday would be even better...
As far as the IF and the job situations - those things are kind of out of our hands right now. I need to do my best not to focus on them at this point. It's not healthy. The economy isn't great right now so I'm thankful we both have jobs at all. Could it be better? Yes. Will it be right away? Probably not. But I think we both know what we need to work on to make it easier on each other.
I feel better knowing that *most* of my feeling are out there. Some things are better left unsaid but I think we'll get there. It's going to take work so we better be up to it!
This has been on my mind lately. How much is our IF affecting me? How about the other issues in our life?
Some days I feel fine, I'm the same old MrsHoppy I've always been and I love those days. Then there are the days/nights where I feel like someone else, I go into a dark place alone and don't really feel like coming out. And I don't really want anyone to come in...
I have posted so many times about how I feel about our IF, AF coming, living child free, being the only couple on earth without a baby (exageration, I know) but I haven't posted much about the other things that are bothering me. Is it time? Here goes I guess...
Number Uno: My DH works as a bartender. He has been doing it for almost 10 years and he enjoys it. It isn't something he wants to do long-term though. He doesn't want to be a 50 year old bartender! So when does he make his move? When does he start looking for something outside the service industry? His concern is the money - it's damn good and he only works 4-5 days a week. But... that's the other problem. We hardly ever see each other. When I get up he is asleep. When I get home he's at work. Repeat 4-5 times a week and add the other things we have going on and it makes for a pretty lonely MrsHoppy right now.
For example: this week he worked Sunday night, Monday night, works tonight and tomorrow night. 4 nights. Then Thursday he's going to a baseball game with friends. Friday night we are going to MGMT with friends (yay!!!) but Saturday I'll be out of town for a bachelorette party. Sunday is our only time to ourselves. Don't even get me started on next week... After this Sunday (6/13) I won't see him again until Thursday. No, not Thursday the 17th. The 24th.
So do you understand why I feel lonely? Why when we are at home together it starts to feel like he's getting in my way at my own house? I am getting so used to being alone it's kind of scary. I am NOT an alone type of person which is why I am getting concerned...
Numbero Dos: My job. I hate it. I want to quit every minute of every day. I work with family and I'll just give the short version: it's not going very well lately. Like, at all. I would love to find something I love but I don't know what that is. How do people find careers they LOVE and are passionate about? To me this is a job, it's a paycheck and I have great benefits and a lot of time off. Is it worth the sacrifice of hating it 40 hours a week? I don't know... And in this economy is it wise to give up a stable, great paying position? I don't think so.
So in short - I feel stuck. I'm unhappy during the day at work. I'm lonely and sad at night at home alone. The weekends are great but in all honesty on Sunday night I'm just reminded that I'm alone, at home and childless. All while the rest of the world is relaxing with their spouse and children, preparing for another week.
This week I almost wished something would happen to me to put me in a coma. Just for like 6 months or so. Just so I could rest, take a break from it all and not be in my life for awhile. Live in a dream land. Is this depression? Does anyone know or have any advice?