Thursday, March 18, 2010

Left Behind?

Let me preface this post by saying that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new nephew. I can't stress that enough. I couldn't be happier for my sister and her DH. They are our best friends and I'm so glad that we live close so we can be in his life on an (almost) daily basis. But...

Here is reason number 283,392,038 why I hate our infertility: I feel sad that I am not experiencing what they are right now. I feel left behind and kind of left out. It's not rational, I know. But I feel left behind in life right now. We aren't moving on to that next step, we aren't and may never experience the joy of being new parents - we are just in a holding pattern that may last forever.

And do you know who the ONLY person is who has asked me how I'm doing with it? My awesome, lovely, new Mama sister and best friend E. She is dealing with a newborn, no sleep, hormones and she still thinks to ask how I'm feeling. How I'm doing. Could I get any more lucky to have her as my sister?? I think of everyone in my life she understands my pain better than anyone. Even better than DH sometimes(as hard as that is to admit) just because he is so much more closed off about it emotionally than I am. If he doesn't think about it it's not true right?!

**And E when you read this - I have no doubt in my mind you'll know exactly where I'm coming from and why and you won't be mad or feel bad about this post. :)**

What sparked this post you ask? I talked to my Mom today who is so very excited to be a first time Grandma - which I understand completely. She and my Dad go visit my sister to see them and the baby about every other night. And when she calls me that is what we talk about right now. Which is fine but for some reason today when we hung up I burst into tears. Again, not rational. At all. I guess in some stupid way I feel like I just don't fit in right now. Where does an infertile couple fit during such a new and exciting time? How can I be so selfish? Why in the back of my mind am I wondering why nobody thinks about how I might be feeling? Truthfully, they probably are but don't know what to say. When I am 100% excited too - where is this coming from?

Maybe I'm crazy, who knows. Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm sure it will be a better one. Tonight I'm going to hold that darling baby, hug my sister and feel better I'm sure of it.


  1. FWIW I think your feelings are quite rational and it's wonderful you have such a great family. I'm in the boat w/you as my sister has had three kids since we got married (in three years!). I couldn't be happier for her, but it doesn't make our IF pain any less (and is a constant reminder of what we don't have). Hang in there hon. ((hugs))

  2. IF has the ability to suck the feeling of absolute joy and excitement out of a lot of experiences. Because even when you do feel that happiness for someone else, there is always that little feeling in the back of your head that says "why not me?" Its hard to feel that way but it is normal.

    Hang in there, Im thinking of you.