B.I.G Decisions

I don't even really know how to start this post. I've been thinking about updating on this subject for awhile and just didn't know how to express all the emotions and thoughts running wild through my mind. So I guess the best way is to just dive right in?

First of all, I'm so thankful for the support I've received during our struggle with infertility. From family (most of them don't know about this blog though), my online support from my IF girls and here in my blog. I am so thankful for the supportive comments and just knowing that there are people out there who have gone through it, understand it and always had supportive words for me when I was in the depths of my despair. It's truly a gift.

After much talking and thinking my DH and I have decided to end our journey with infertility and TTC. We have decided - at this point - to live child free. It hasn't been an easy decision, I don't know if it's the right decision, but for now it feels right. I feel an incredible sense of relief that is impossible to describe. I feel free. Please don't take this to mean that I don't care that I'll never be a mother - I do care, I care a lot. But it's out of my control. We've done as much as we, personally, are comfortable with both emotionally and financially. Who knows, someday we may reevaluate this decision and we have that option. But not now...

Yes, there will be hard days, there already have been. That is to be expected I think. The mourning period is long and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the loss of what we'll never have. It hurts that I'll never see a baby that has my nose and my DH's smile. Or feel the tiny kicks in my belly. Or have a cute baby shower to celebrate the new life we made together. Life isn't fair and I'm coming to terms with that. We'll celebrate in other ways I guess. It's all new to us so I'm still kind of navigating this new feeling.

In other updates: for some time now I have considered becoming an egg donor. I've "met" so many women online that benefit from donor eggs and I wanted to help others struggling with IF start families. Another bonus for me would have been that it I would know howI respond to the medications and see how many eggs they retrieve if we ever decideded to take the IVF route ourselves. I looked into it and after testing, bloodwork, and and appointment with an amazing therapist (I wish I could afford her myself!) I was approved. I was told I could be chosen tomorrow or not for months. I'm still waiting but when we decided NOT to pursue more treatments ourselves I wondered how I would handle the donation and had some second thoughts. I have decided that if I'm chosen I will still donate. I think it would be almost theraputic for me to help someone else have a family even if I'm not going to have my own. We will see where that adventure takes us if it happens...

So that's my update. So far, so good. :) My DH and I are excited to focus on the good in our lives. We're working on our relationship everyday and I think it will be strong again. We really are blessed even if it's not in the cards for us to have children. We'll be the fun Aunt and Uncle to our nieces and nephew and celebrate everytime we are blessed with more. I feel better and I think it's time to "get back to good", no matter how we get there - we need to get there!

A few things I'm looking forward to with our new decision (because I have to look at the positives right?): getting back to feeling 100% happy for pregnant friends. It's been years and I hope I can get back to that point. Not crying when AF arrives. This already happened this week - it honestly didn't bother me at all. No more charting, scheduling appointments around my cycle and evaluating every twinge in my ute. I don't care what CD it is and that is a nice feeling!

I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog but I'm not sure what yet. I want it to be a place for me to talk about our life as it is now, a place to vent when I'm having a bad day and of course to share the normal goings-on of a family of JUST two! Any suggestions?