Blow Out

That's what happened in the Hoppy household last night. MrHoppy got home at about 8PM and I hadn't seen him since Sunday. We go through this every week but last night was a doozy. It's hard to communicate only by phone during the day when I'm at work - you can't have meaningful conversations with an office listening. And only by text at night while he's at work - and we all know how things can be misunderstood via text. So, inevitably communication lacks during the week. This usually leads to tense conversations - or sometimes a fight the first time we see each other and have about a million things to talk about and get worked out from the week.

It wasn't good - at first. I actually left for 2 hours and came home in a better frame of mind. Believe me, we weren't fighting about anything important. But... as with many men (I think?) he bottles things up and they come out randomly during a fight. It's not healthy and it's very frustrating to be on the receiving end of that.

So... in the end it worked out for the better. We sat at the kitchen table until 11PM and talked. Talked about our sadness - come to find out he is very sad too which is oddly comforting to me. How he feels like he's losing me. How I feel like maybe I'm dealing with something a little more than just the blues. He doesn't think I love him as much as he loves me :::insert my tears here::: and that broke my heart. I love him so much I just don't know how we got here or how "to get it back to good" (thanks Matchbox 20).

The only hard part in confessing I think I might be a tad depressed was that (again, a man thing maybe?) he wanted to know what was so TERRIBLE about my life that would make me feel that way? What could he do to fix it (some things just can't be fixed!)? He doesn't really understand that I don't think my life is so terrible, I know I'm lucky to have the things I do but there is just a nagging sadness I can't put my finger on. I can't explain it and he wanted me to be able to. We just had to leave that alone for now... I don't know why I'm sad, the only way I can explain it is that my life isn't terrible but I'm not content. If that makes any sense at all?

Don't get me wrong - our marriage has been great and strong until the last maybe 6 months or so? I honestly think it's the stress and sadness creeping up on us in our struggle with IF. What are we going to do about it you ask? I'm going to call our insurance ASAP and find out if there is someone I can start talking to - a counselor or therapist. We're going to see how that goes. Then if we feel like maybe couples counseling will help that will be our next step. We'll fix this, I know we will. I'm just the type of person that wants it fixed NOW. Or yesterday would be even better...

As far as the IF and the job situations - those things are kind of out of our hands right now. I need to do my best not to focus on them at this point. It's not healthy. The economy isn't great right now so I'm thankful we both have jobs at all. Could it be better? Yes. Will it be right away? Probably not. But I think we both know what we need to work on to make it easier on each other.

I feel better knowing that *most* of my feeling are out there. Some things are better left unsaid but I think we'll get there. It's going to take work so we better be up to it!