Tuesday, June 8, 2010


This has been on my mind lately. How much is our IF affecting me? How about the other issues in our life?

Some days I feel fine, I'm the same old MrsHoppy I've always been and I love those days. Then there are the days/nights where I feel like someone else, I go into a dark place alone and don't really feel like coming out. And I don't really want anyone to come in...

I have posted so many times about how I feel about our IF, AF coming, living child free, being the only couple on earth without a baby (exageration, I know) but I haven't posted much about the other things that are bothering me. Is it time? Here goes I guess...

Number Uno: My DH works as a bartender. He has been doing it for almost 10 years and he enjoys it. It isn't something he wants to do long-term though. He doesn't want to be a 50 year old bartender! So when does he make his move? When does he start looking for something outside the service industry? His concern is the money - it's damn good and he only works 4-5 days a week. But... that's the other problem. We hardly ever see each other. When I get up he is asleep. When I get home he's at work. Repeat 4-5 times a week and add the other things we have going on and it makes for a pretty lonely MrsHoppy right now.

For example: this week he worked Sunday night, Monday night, works tonight and tomorrow night. 4 nights. Then Thursday he's going to a baseball game with friends. Friday night we are going to MGMT with friends (yay!!!) but Saturday I'll be out of town for a bachelorette party. Sunday is our only time to ourselves. Don't even get me started on next week... After this Sunday (6/13) I won't see him again until Thursday. No, not Thursday the 17th. The 24th.

So do you understand why I feel lonely? Why when we are at home together it starts to feel like he's getting in my way at my own house? I am getting so used to being alone it's kind of scary. I am NOT an alone type of person which is why I am getting concerned...

Numbero Dos: My job. I hate it. I want to quit every minute of every day. I work with family and I'll just give the short version: it's not going very well lately. Like, at all. I would love to find something I love but I don't know what that is. How do people find careers they LOVE and are passionate about? To me this is a job, it's a paycheck and I have great benefits and a lot of time off. Is it worth the sacrifice of hating it 40 hours a week? I don't know... And in this economy is it wise to give up a stable, great paying position? I don't think so.

So in short - I feel stuck. I'm unhappy during the day at work. I'm lonely and sad at night at home alone. The weekends are great but in all honesty on Sunday night I'm just reminded that I'm alone, at home and childless. All while the rest of the world is relaxing with their spouse and children, preparing for another week.

This week I almost wished something would happen to me to put me in a coma. Just for like 6 months or so. Just so I could rest, take a break from it all and not be in my life for awhile. Live in a dream land. Is this depression? Does anyone know or have any advice?


  1. I've been lurking, but I don't think I've ever commented. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I understand completely what you mean by wanting to just take a break from life for awhile. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and have been on and off medication since then. I often had the same thoughts... I just wanted to be in a coma for awhile... just like you said. My advice? Seek help. You'll feel so much better. Everyone is different, but what finally worked for me was exercise. About 3 years ago, I started running. I got hooked on running half marathons, and since then I was able to get off the medication and I've haven't suffered from depression since. But first you might need the medication to give you that kick in the pants so you can find something that will help you.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing with me - it's nice to not be alone in those feelings, especially for someone they are so new for! I do run actually and it really helps with stress relief and just my overall sanity I think! I'm really considering contacting my insurance and finding someone in network that I could talk to. Thanks again for your comment!

  3. You're welcome. I just know all too much how hard it is. It's a vicious cycle... you want to feel better, but the depression keeps you from doing anything about it, so then it just gets worse. And the worse it gets, the harder it is to try and do what you need to do to get better. For me, I don't even think it was the running so much as just having people around me. When I started running I joined a group, so I always run with people. It's just a great way for me to get out and hang with others. I don't really have any close personal friends, and I never have, but my running buddies are great! Again, that thing that helps you may be different than what helped me. But just hang in there, realize that you need to do something to get out of the funk and just fight to do it. It may be therapy, or it may be a magic pill. Whatever it is, you'll find it and you will feel better.

  4. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know you have been struggling for a long time. I wish I could just fix it for you. I really think you should look into finding a professional to talk to.
    You deserve to feel happy and normal again, and I will support whatever avenue you take to get there. But please Sis, let's find something to help. LOVE YOU!!!!!