Thursday, June 17, 2010

Getting back to Good

Yesterday I posted about how I emailed my RE for some names of therapists that deal with IF patients. My wonderful IF nurse emailed right back with 5 names. Yesterday afternoon I called and asked about each one. And it looked like I wasn't going to get in until the 2nd week of July?! Now, if you know me, you know that once I decide I'm going to do something I don't want to wait. I want to do it NOW! Imagine my excitement when the nice gentleman on the phone stumbled upon a cancellation? For this morning at 8:45?! I snatched that appointment right up - even before clearing it with the boss-man. Because I needed to go.

And I'll tell you - I'm so glad I did. I was nervous for some reason, I've never seen a therapist before and didn't know what to expect. Was I going to lay on a couch while a stuffy old man stared at me and waited for me to talk?!

Not the case. My therapist is a woman, probably my Mom's age. Very nice and laid back. And she's a runner, into fitness and loves dogs. Could we be a better match?! I know I won't know for sure after ONE appointment but it felt good, it felt right. She went through the paperwork I filled out and we jumped right into talking about IF. Which promptly caused me to cry. Which I apologized for. And she said the best thing: "This is why you are here. Don't apologize, here is a tissue." And I felt so at ease. We talked about our IF, how it's affecting my marriage, body image, work and the other aspects of my life. She decided I am in fact - Depressed. Probably with a capital "D". We talked about what I'm doing to manage it. Turns out I'm already doing everything she would suggest to manage my feelings. Except maybe one thing... Which we are going to focus on:

Dealing with my sadness, feeling OK about being sad and being able to communicate my sadness to my DH. I need to feel like my feelings are valid. And accepted. Bottom line, those things need to happen. She feels that maybe he and I need to grieve together instead of filling up every minute of our lives to avoid the grief. Ding, ding! Is that what we've been doing? I think maybe it is. We also need to get these last 2 IUIs out of the way. Me being in a kind of "limbo" isn't helping anything. At least we'll know where we are and where we stand at that point. We also talked a lot about my DH and she wants to meet with us together next time. I think he'll be up for this so I'll schedule the appointment after I discuss it with him. And I'll continue to do solo meetings as well.

Now to the part of the appointment (which was a full hour by the way!) that was kind of hard for me. Medication. She thinks I need it and I don't want it. Don't get me wrong, she did NOT push them on me. Merely asked how I felt about it (and I said I didn't think so) and she thinks that I am not just situationally depressed, but biologically depressed. She thinks it will help me but we decided to discuss it again in a month or 2 and see what kind of progress I'm making. Again, since I'm doing everything I can to manage my depression she didn't have many more suggestions. I read about IF, I write my feelings here, I exercise a good deal and of course I have my Bumpie friends to support me. I think I'll also ask my RE about support groups in the area. I've checked Resolve and there isn't one anywhere near us now but that doesn't mean something similar doesn't exist!

Sorry this was so rambling - I wanted to write down the main points and what I liked so I don't forget. I can check Step 1 off my list. I will get better and enjoy my life again. The grief of IF won't ever go away but I believe it will get easier.

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