No Miracles...

No miracle for us. I tested yesterday at 13dpiui and it was stark white. Again. Story of my life. Now I'm just waiting for AF to confirm what I already know. I wasn't the least bit surprised though, and I didn't get upset. I got that out of my system 2 weeks ago when I found out the post-wash numbers right before our final attempt at IUI. But now what do we do?

I'm lost. I don't know where I belong. I don't know how we will begin to make the incredibly difficult decisions we are now being forced to make. I feel like it's so unfair. Did I do something terrible in a past life to deserve this situation?! On the other hand I do know things could be a lot worse.

But you know what? I'm not feeling the sinking depressed feeling I usually feel after a failed cycle. It's really weird and hard to admit but - I almost feel relieved. Not relieved it didn't work of course, but relieved that cycling, counting days, praying for good numbers, ultrasounds, taking horrible meds, getting shots and the continued disappointment is finally over. At least for awhile anyway...

What will our next steps be? I can honestly say that right now I have NO idea. We're going to be on a break for awhile, that's for sure. I think we'll take time off from even thinking about IF. Then in a couple months we'll sit down, weigh our options and make some very tough decisions. IVF or live child-free? I think those are our 2 options. My DH isn't very interested in adoption. He wants to be a father of course but a lot of that desire is tied up in watching a child that is 1/2 me and 1/2 him grow up. He wants to see pieces of us in his child and I understand and respect that. We've also discussed living child-free. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world. We would just have to work hard at filling up our life with other things we love. We have friends that aren't going to have children. And we have friends that do and we adore those children. We just have to figure out what is best for US.

As some of my family and IF girls know I've started a process that may give us a better idea of whether IVF will be a possibility for us - more on that later.

For now I'm going to focus on positive things in my life. I have to. My birthday trip is in just 15 days - we're headed to Vegas with a ton of friends to celebrate me turning the big 3-0! And I won't be holding back... ;) Also there is college (TEXAS!) football to look forward to, a long weekend for Labor Day, Fall in general and a trip to see friends and family in Florida in November. All in all we are pretty lucky. This blog is going to be upbeat and celebrating the life I do have for awhile!!