Monday, November 29, 2010

From thankful to confused

Today is just a dreary and sucktastic day. After such an awesome weekend I'm bummed out that I'm in this state of mind. And all because of one stupid fight...

MrHoppy surprised me Saturday with club level seat to the Bronco game for yesterday. Very sweet and thoughtful. Are the Broncos any good? Nope. Do I still LOVE going to sporting events? Yep. Win or lose I always have a fantastic time. So I was super excited that we got to go to another game. It was supposed to be cold so we planned to be up early and dress warmly!

We had a great day. Hung out with friends and watched our Broncos get beat - again! We shivered in our seats and borrowed a blanket to stay warm. There was even a little flurry that was so isolated over our section I didn't believe it was real! But I didn't care, I was having a fun day with my husband and it was so nice to have a 4 day weekend to get things done and get in a little R&R.

Then we got home and got into a stupid fight. I'm not even going to get into it, it was that stupid. It was short and loud - like our fights always turn out. But MrHoppy broke something of mine on purpose and it sent me over the edge. I wasn't even mad, I was just done. I went upstairs, put on my pj's and crawled into bed. I had clothes in the washer, clothes in the dryer and some picking up to do since we had just eaten dinner. But I didn't care. I just closed the door with the pups and cried.

I didn't cry for long. I laid there and wondered "how did I get here"? How did I wind up uphappy and how did he wind up stressed and frustrated? How long will IF take a toll on our relationship? When will we handle our emotions better and avoid blow outs that don't have anything to do with what we're fighting about anyway?

Then the confustion set in. I wondered "how do I get out of here?" Which was a really scary thought. I wondered how I could just walk away from it all and start over. Or go to sleep and not wake up. Would that be so bad? Don't get me wrong - I love him but sometimes I feel very trapped. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. Not moving forward and not moving back. I hate saying it and debated even writing this post. But it doesn't do me any good to keep the way I'm feeling bottled up inside.

Is this all stemming from IF? Maybe, but regardless, I need to deal with it. We both do. Perhaps it's time to schedule another appointment with my counselor. And I think we need to go together. IF isn't the only thing bothering me. I'm frustrated with his career (lack thereof really), schedule at work, and other things I can't even think of right now. When he sets something down and scratches the mantle I painstakingly painted and I feel like screaming (but don't) - I'd say we have a problem. I don't blame him for feeling like he can't do anything right. I treat him that way sometimes which isn't fair at all.

What do I do? Where do I start? How do I keep myself from jumping on a plane and never looking back? I hate being here...


  1. I wish I had some magic words or brilliant advice to offer, but I don't. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I care and I'm sorry for your pain. Big deal, right? A stranger that cares. =) But for what it's worth, I do care.

  2. (((hugs))) I know that feeling all too well. About 1-2 months ago it was just plain old bad between us. Me not working, this never-ending IF break, the house renos, now my truck breaking down, etc etc etc. We came to the D talk and the Seperation talk. I don't know what really changed other than I am trying to be more patient and he's being less spaztastic. We still have those fights, in fact we had one tonight. I know all too well the exact feelings you wrote about. Don't hesitate to email me or whatever if you need to talk (rachaels117 at