TGIF!

So happy it's almost the weekend. I had a doctor's appointment at 7:45 this morning and another one this afternoon at 2PM. More on that later... I want to be done before I get into the details.

I am SO looking forward to this weekend. I'll be off work early today for my appointment (yay!) and then meeting up with great girlfriends for dinner. We're going out for Mexican, my favorite! And some much needed girl time. I think I might end up cleaning the house tonight - my DH is working super late and I like to stay up late so why not?

Tomorrow I think I'm going to get up and go for a 5 mile run. It's a loop around the neighborhoods near our house that I haven't tried yet. I'm due for a long run (long for me!) and I think it will do me good to start the weekend off right. We're going shopping tomorrow afternoon for a few things for Vegas and I can't wait! Shopping is one of my many loves... Watch out Express!

And I'm really excited about Sunday. Sometimes my DH's job is awesome, as much as I hate to admit it, it is. :) Someone he knows gave us 4 club seat tickets to the Bronco game Sunday night - for free! So we're taking my sister and her hubby - aka our besties. The sitter is lined up so it will be an adult evening. Can't wait! It's supposed to be hot, hot, hot! Let's hope we finally have a win...

So, lots to look forward to this weekend. Lots of things to keep me busy and happy. Which is my focus. Oh and only 13 days until Vegas!!! But who's counting?

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This was where my Saturday was spent...

No Miracles...

No miracle for us. I tested yesterday at 13dpiui and it was stark white. Again. Story of my life. Now I'm just waiting for AF to confirm what I already know. I wasn't the least bit surprised though, and I didn't get upset. I got that out of my system 2 weeks ago when I found out the post-wash numbers right before our final attempt at IUI. But now what do we do?

I'm lost. I don't know where I belong. I don't know how we will begin to make the incredibly difficult decisions we are now being forced to make. I feel like it's so unfair. Did I do something terrible in a past life to deserve this situation?! On the other hand I do know things could be a lot worse.

But you know what? I'm not feeling the sinking depressed feeling I usually feel after a failed cycle. It's really weird and hard to admit but - I almost feel relieved. Not relieved it didn't work of course, but relieved that cycling, counting days, praying for good numbers, ultrasounds, taking horrible meds, getting shots and the continued disappointment is finally over. At least for awhile anyway...

What will our next steps be? I can honestly say that right now I have NO idea. We're going to be on a break for awhile, that's for sure. I think we'll take time off from even thinking about IF. Then in a couple months we'll sit down, weigh our options and make some very tough decisions. IVF or live child-free? I think those are our 2 options. My DH isn't very interested in adoption. He wants to be a father of course but a lot of that desire is tied up in watching a child that is 1/2 me and 1/2 him grow up. He wants to see pieces of us in his child and I understand and respect that. We've also discussed living child-free. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world. We would just have to work hard at filling up our life with other things we love. We have friends that aren't going to have children. And we have friends that do and we adore those children. We just have to figure out what is best for US.

As some of my family and IF girls know I've started a process that may give us a better idea of whether IVF will be a possibility for us - more on that later.

For now I'm going to focus on positive things in my life. I have to. My birthday trip is in just 15 days - we're headed to Vegas with a ton of friends to celebrate me turning the big 3-0! And I won't be holding back... ;) Also there is college (TEXAS!) football to look forward to, a long weekend for Labor Day, Fall in general and a trip to see friends and family in Florida in November. All in all we are pretty lucky. This blog is going to be upbeat and celebrating the life I do have for awhile!!

"Wait"

OK, I stole this poem from another blog this afternoon and it couldn't hit closer to home. For the last couple years and especially the last year I have really struggled with faith. I grew up going to church, I believe in God but after a few bad experiences in churches I haven't been a big fan of them... I still have my beliefs, I'm just not sure where God fits into my life. And church hasn't been part of my life in a long time. I ask these questions in my head over and over...

Why would God pick and choose who gets to be a mother?

Why do people that don't want children, neglect or abuse children have no trouble getting pregnant?

Why are some made to suffer so much more than others?

Why does a couple have to suffer through infertility, losses, losing babies born too soon? Even one of those things should be enough for one person...

But I like this poem. Here it is:

“Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,and the Master so gently said, "wait""

Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?

I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign or even a no to which I’ll resign You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive

Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.You'd never experience the fullness of love when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask from an infinite God who makes what you have last.You'd never know should your pain quickly flee what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though often my answers seem terribly late,my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Sorry it's kind of all in a blob but you get the idea. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes the first time I read it. I guess I'll just wait...

Oxymoron

Why, oh why is the air conditioner blasting all God-forsaken day in this office while I run my space heater in my lap?? How does that make any sense? Granted, I am usually colder than anyone else but this is ridiculous! I have perma-goosebumps! The only satisfaction I have is that the ones keeping the arctic temperature here are paying the bills for both to run... ;) I am so bad.

In other news we had a FABULOUS weekend. The IL's were in town and I always love having them. DH's Dad and stepmom are great. Sunday we went to the Mile High Music Festival and I had such a good time. We got to see Train, Weezer, Atmosphere and of course my personal favorite Dave Matthews. There were other great bands thrown in there too, believe me! We took Monday off from work (which is always a bonus!) and got the house cleaned up after our guests left and grocery shopped. 7 people sure can use a lot of towels, sheets, silverware and plates!

Well, the air just came back on, ::pulls space heater into lap::, and it's kind of hard to type with this thing in the way...

Wordless Wednesday

Family Camping - Picture Overload

We had an amazing trip caming with DH's family last weekend. It was the 3rd annual trip and it ended up being the best yet. The place we camped was much warmer than years past, there wasn't any drama (which is an accomplishment!) and we got to ride our dirt bikes and 4-wheelers all day Saturday. We ate good food, played horseshoes, Bingo, drank beer and just did mountain-y things. Heaven I tell ya...

I do have a confession though - I rolled my 4-wheeler. I know, I know, they are dangerous. But it really was a freak thing and I did everything right to avoid being pinned under it, getting injured or anything. I hopped off just in time. Plus a guy who was with us was right behind me and helped me flip it back over. Good thing DH didn't actually witness it - he tends to worry a bit... And I wear ALL the protective gear (helmet, elbow and knee guards, boots, gloves) as you will see from the pictures. I had to have my first wreck right? It was a beautiful ride - when I could pay attention to the scenery, that is. There were some pretty rocky and technical parts to this trail and it was kind of scary. I had fun though. I love being in the mountains, soaking up the fresh air, quiet and the feeling that all is right in the world was amazing.

I can't wait to go again. I think we're going to camp for the next 3 weekends in a row. We need to get it in before Winter comes... :(

And speaking of Winter - I'm bound and determined to get my DH to show-shoe with me this year. It's been on my to-do list for 3 years now and always gets put on the back burner. Plus we WILL get in at least one weekend of snowboarding. It's expensive and a pain but SO worth it. Anyway, back to Summer and the pictures from our trip. I'm no photographer (as you've probably noticed) but our crappy snapshots are just fine with me!


I love him :)
We always take jumping pictures - it's tradition...

Waiting to kill it in the horseshoe tournament

Guess which couple won the whole thing? Undefeated? Mr and Mrs Hoppy!

4-wheeling

Getting ready to go on our ride

Sitting at the camp fire

It is so gorgeous up there

Me and my great friend M

The boys

Mr Hoppy and Lala

A moose and her babies - I am a moose enthusaist, they are my favortie animal!

One more day

One more day until a 3 day weekend. I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to it. Here are just a few of the reasons...

1. My DH's dad, step-mom and little bro (17) and sister (13) and TWO of their friends are coming into town and staying with us. Why is that so fun you ask?! Because it's Mile High Music Festival weekend! His family is going both Saturday and Sunday and we are going Sunday. Dave Matthews is headlining and of course, as my favorite band I can't wait to see them again! Not to mention ALL our best friends will be there. It's going to be so fun.

2. Saturday morning I'm going to get an iPhone! I do have an iTouch now but I'm switching carriers and getting an iPhone. I'm really excited. My DH is so sad, he still has 1 year on his current contract but I promised him he will inherit my iTouch until he can get an iPhone too! I'm such a sweet wife... :)

3. I have Monday off work. Need I say more??

I'm feeling better after Tuesday's shittastic IUI. My DH was off work last night and we went to dinner to catch up. We ended up at one of our favorite restaurants and then walked around outside afterward. It was the most beautiful night, perfect weather. We laughed, talked and had an amazing time just being together. We talked a little bit about our future plans and TTC and decided that we just need a break right now - emotionally and financially. We'll revisit things after my 2ww is over and take it from there.

I keep meaning to post pictures from our camping trip last weekend - I'm going to try to get that done TONIGHT!

Also I have other news that may be happening... I'm going to wait until I know more but I'm kind of excited about it!

IUI #6 = Disaster

I went into it thinking "whatever, it's our last shot and probably won't work". That attitude is easier said than done. I don't feel like posting about my day but let's just say the count was lower than ever, the post-wash number was less than 1/2 a million. Not good. And my "whatever happens is cool" attitude didn't stick around long.

Have you ever laid there crying in front of a doctor and a nurse while your legs are spread open wide and you are getting poked in the vag? It's a little awkward...

Hail Mary

I'm not Catholic but this is what it feels like!

Our 6th and final Hail Mary IUI is scheduled for tomorrow. I'll drop off DH's sample at 8AM, wait for 45 minutes while it's washed and then head over to be inseminated. He has to work so it's going to be a solo trip. I am so thankful that I didn't surge while we were camping so we can do it this month. I woke up today and my OPK showed me 2 dark lines! I'm so ready to get this show on the road so we can move on to the next step - whatever that may be. I'm not hopeful, I know that our chances are slim to none. Why would a 6th be successful when 5 have not? I'm looking forward to that feeling of closure, looking forward to not worrying about timing and cycling for awhile. And strangely looking forward to that discussion with my DH that is looming over my head: "What's next and how do we make it happen?" without giving up everything else in our lives. It's a big decision...

On a side note: we had SUCH a fabulous time camping. No drama and the weekend absolutely flew by. I'll post tonight, I have lots of good pictures to share!

Lonely Waiting, again.

I'm so bummed out today. Every year we go to a family camping trip with my DH's extended/immediate family. It's always Thursday-Sunday. This year my dear parents decided to take a trip right in the middle of the family camping trip. So my DH, our friends and his family are headed up to beautiful Grand Lake today while I'm sitting here at work, covering the office and dog sitting for everyone and their Mom. Instead of riding dirt bikes, hanging out with my friends and family, drinking beer and eating yummy camping food I'm going to be sitting in a quiet office, answering questions for people that I don't want to talk to today and taking care of 5 dogs tonight... 4 of them being 80 pounds or more... We don't live on a farm or in a mansion so this will be interesting to say the least.

So, I'm melancholy. I'm annoyed. I'm tired of being here. I'm jealous of my DH right now. I'm lonely as I wait for the hours to tick by until I can leave. Just to go home and hang out alone (with 5 dogs) and do it all over again tomorrow... Good God I might start crying!

I'll post next week about how much fun I had when I finally got there. And I'll include pictures so everyone will know how gorgeous it is there!! 6.5 more hours until 5PM... I'm not going to make it.

OPK's

I start peeing on them tomorrow morning! I have been feeling lots of twinges in my ovaries so I hope they are working hard! We'll find out how many we have and ::keeping fingers crossed:: hopefully they aren't ready until early next week. It would be just my luck to surge early when for every other cycle it's late. But, I knew that could happen going into this cycle. It is what it is.

My DH has been working like a mad man this week. Which keeps me really busy at home cleaning, making lunches, doing laundry, ironing, etc. He gets to leave for our camping trip Thursday, lucky guy. I have to wait until 5PM Friday since I'm covering work for a vacation. Bummer. So I better not surge on Thursday or Friday morning. If it's going to be early I want it to be when we can at least attempt TI!!!

Keeping everything crossed for a late surge and forward progress for IUI #6...

Wedding Extravaganza

I'm finally sitting down to write about the wedding my DH and I both stood up in last week. The bride is one of my best friends, we've known each other since 8th grade. We were attached at the hip in highschool - played volleyball together, dated football players together, cried together and spent the night at each others houses almost every weekend. We even went to college together and lived on the same floor. Her life took her away from that school when we were just Freshman but she came back as a Junior. We lived together, partied together and got into lots of trouble.


Then she met her fiance at work. He was right for her from the start. They both worked with my DH so he and the groom became fast friends. Over the last several years we've done a lot together - partied, camped, they joined us on their very first raft trip down the Green River, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries... You get the idea. To say that we were happy they were finally tying the knot is an understatement!

After lots of planning, shopping and stress the day finally came. We spent 2 night in Estes Park and it was beautiful. We saw a black bear outside our cabin, I hope to post the video here soon! But here are a few pictures from their wedding. I don't have many from the ceremony (since we were both standing) but it was beautiful. Their vows made me cry. The reception was a blast and we spent the night dancing and hanging out with all our best friends.




The Location

Chipmonk with his cheeks full

There is a black bear in this picture, you just can't see it!

Me and another bridesmaid helping with setting up

The beautiful bride - being silly. ANTM?

Our table

What a view... Sis and BIL Back at the condo