Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Religion, God and IF

This post may get a little long and heavy so this is your warning... :)

I have been thinking about (questioning really) religion, and God more specifically, since our decision to stop IF treatments. And I'm kind of lost on how I feel about the whole issue.

A little background on me: I was raised Christian and attended church every Sunday growing up. We were there religiously (ha!) every Sunday through my highschool career. We were pretty involved in youth group, the whole bit. Then when I was 18 something happened to our family at church that made me question "church". I didn't question God but I really wasn't into the whole church vibe, atmosphere, people, etc. I stopped going and haven't been back except for holidays since. And the holidays where I attend are few and far between...

I do, however, believe in God. I just don't know exactly where that belief fits into my life. I guess I'm still angry and sad that MrHoppy and I aren't able to have children. I probably always will be to some extent right? I know, I know, life isn't fair, I understand that. You don't get everything you want in life. I know.

But wouldn't it be nice, since we're already dealing with the heartache and difficulty of IF, if we could catch another break? Like the funds to pay for treatments on our own... insurance that covers IVF... a surprise BFP... something?

What is that saying you always hear in church? "When God closes a door he opens a window?" Sometimes I feel like not only did he close and lock our door, he nailed all the windows shut as well!

My questions still linger: Why us? Why are 15 year olds, crack heads and child abusers blessed with children but 2 people that would be great parents aren't? And to go beyond myself I wonder why people are starving, sick and why so many are made to suffer so much. Again, I know life isn't fair. It's not perfect and never will be. I guess my question is why some people are made to endure so much more suffering than others. Not only is it unfair, it seems cruel.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed in so many ways. But that doesn't mean my sadness and suffering over the loss of having children is any less real. And I wonder what I did to deserve it? Is this a test? A test of faith? Because if so, I think I got a big, fat "F". I still believe in God but very differently than I used to. I used to "trust" in him to take care of me and "guide" my life (church phrases people!). Not so much the case anymore. I believe he is there, he created the world and everyone in it. But I guess I feel like I'm on my own to make my way in this life. That God just kind of sits and watches. Does that make any sense at all?

I wonder how people keep their faith after so much disappointment and heartache. Sickness, death and suffering. Bad people doing bad things to innocent people. I'm actually in awe of them. With everything so out of our control does it give them comfort to believe that a higher power is looking after them? Maybe I wish I could be that way but all IF has done for me is make me feel alone, isolated and out of control. And sad. God I'm so sick of sad...

Please don't take this post as a pity party for myself. I really am doing well day to day. The feelings do sometimes creep in and surprise me though. As MrHoppy and I are finding out - you can't predict when it's going to happen!

So that's where I'm at with God. I wondered if I should even write this post. It's such a downer post, and for that I apologize. But, as all my fellow IF'ers know this is a roller coaster of emotions. I'll always be IF, that won't change.


  1. Such an honest post, it speaks so true to how I feel too. My relationship with religion and God is so complicated these days but I like to think God understands.

    I think we will always grieve our IF, it is a part of us now. I tell C often that I know I'll be an old woman still sad that IF robbed us of so much. It doesn't rule me but it's a part of me, does that make sense?

    anyway, ::hugs:: to you. IF blows.

  2. Your said it all...I wonder the exact same thing all the time. Why me? Why you? Why why why.


  3. I know how you feel. Sometimes I find comfort in God and other times he just makes me so angry! You already said it but darn it, life's not fair! I do sincerely hope that you and MrHoppy's dreams come true, even if it takes a while.


  4. (((huge hugs))) The thoughts you are having are so normal for what you are dealing with, and I think we've all had them. I find comfort in my realization that God is not micromanaging all our lives or awarding children to those who He thinks are worthy, which as you say is clearly not the case. But I do think He can help give us the strength to pursue our dreams and it is our job to figure out how we will achieve them. For some of us it's unfortunately a much tougher, longer, more complicated road, but that doesn't mean that he's not there cheering us on. :)

  5. IF really makes you wonder about a lot of things. I would be lying if I said I didn't question why it happened to us? I suppose if IF didn't happen to us, we may have never gone down the adoption route and I won't have my son. I really makes you think...

  6. Thanks everyone - it's so nice to know I'm not alone!

  7. I love this post. Its so honest and relatable. I can't tell you how many times I read your blog and wish I knew you in person- because I just want to reach out and give you a hug. Its not fair that you have to go through this and it completely stinks that you are in a place where you are forced to think "what if I dont ever have a child" No one should ever have to think that and it honestly breaks my heart to know that you (or anyone) have to think that.

    I hate that bad things happen to good people, its not fair. The thing about Faith is that even though it might not make sense now, there is a reason. Which I know sounds like a bunch of crap (because I've thought it sounded like a bunch of crap a lot of times) but I've found it to be true. I hope that sometime soon, the reason for all of your struggles and pain becomes apparent.

    I wanted to share a song with you by Barlow Girl:

    "How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
    Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
    I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
    But giving up would cost me everything
    So I'll stand in the pain and silence
    And I'll speak to the dark night

    I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
    I believe in love even when I don't feel it
    And I believe in God even when He is silent
    And I, I believe"

  8. I was recently watching Oprah's interview with Dr. William Petit (the Connecticut father who lost his whole family to that brutal murder a few years ago) and he was discussing his faith and his new relationship with God in light of what happened. In the interview the doctor says his relationship with God is currently at a stand-off, that he believes in God, but he's angry with him. He's consulted with scholars and academics and religious members who all say it's okay to be angry with God. God can take it.

    I think it's okay for you to be angry with God too. I don't think that God governs the path of each man, there are too many people in the world for him to govern the fates of individuals, however, we're allowed to feel at odds with faith when the things we want so dearly are denied us. Especially when we are good people.

    I know you have made your decision about treatments and such already, so I don't mean to question that at all. But there are grant programs through both states and the federal government that are available to help finance IF treatments. And there are less expensive states to cycle in as well. If you want information feel free to email me, and if you just want to vent and chat feel free to email me too :)

    nikinikinine at yahoo dot com


  9. I have also questioned faith and my relationship to God, especially after my husband's near fatal accident one year ago. I was raised Catholic but converted to Judaism shortly before marriage. My view of God, and this is just mine and not a one size fits all belief, is that God gives us the strength, faith, insight to deal with whatever happens in our lives. S/he (god) does not cause these things to happen and does now reward people by bestowing good things (fertility upon them) and punish others by causing bad things to happen.

    I hope you and your husband are at peace with your decision to not pursue any further treatments. I hope we can keep in touch.
    Mosf1103 @gmail.com

  10. I'm so sorry you are going through this. When I read this post I thought this is exactly how I feel, you've said it so well. I hope things work out for you and you are holding your little once soon.

  11. Hi..its a tough journey this one, and our FAITH in GOD takes hits/blows time and again, but without FAITH whats the alternative? I have so much to encourage you with but Kelly at "http://kellyneedham.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/no-good-thing-does-he-withhold/" has said it best..she has some amazing encouraging posts and testimonies concerning waiting and faith in difficult times. When you get some time, take a read.

  12. Wow, I can't thank you all enough for your thoughtful and honest comments. I take each and every one to heart. I can't imagine going through this without the support of my online friends!