This post may get a little long and heavy so this is your warning... :)
I have been thinking about (questioning really) religion, and God more specifically, since our decision to stop IF treatments. And I'm kind of lost on how I feel about the whole issue.
A little background on me: I was raised Christian and attended church every Sunday growing up. We were there religiously (ha!) every Sunday through my highschool career. We were pretty involved in youth group, the whole bit. Then when I was 18 something happened to our family at church that made me question "church". I didn't question God but I really wasn't into the whole church vibe, atmosphere, people, etc. I stopped going and haven't been back except for holidays since. And the holidays where I attend are few and far between...
I do, however, believe in God. I just don't know exactly where that belief fits into my life. I guess I'm still angry and sad that MrHoppy and I aren't able to have children. I probably always will be to some extent right? I know, I know, life isn't fair, I understand that. You don't get everything you want in life. I know.
But wouldn't it be nice, since we're already dealing with the heartache and difficulty of IF, if we could catch another break? Like the funds to pay for treatments on our own... insurance that covers IVF... a surprise BFP... something?
What is that saying you always hear in church? "When God closes a door he opens a window?" Sometimes I feel like not only did he close and lock our door, he nailed all the windows shut as well!
My questions still linger: Why us? Why are 15 year olds, crack heads and child abusers blessed with children but 2 people that would be great parents aren't? And to go beyond myself I wonder why people are starving, sick and why so many are made to suffer so much. Again, I know life isn't fair. It's not perfect and never will be. I guess my question is why some people are made to endure so much more suffering than others. Not only is it unfair, it seems cruel.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed in so many ways. But that doesn't mean my sadness and suffering over the loss of having children is any less real. And I wonder what I did to deserve it? Is this a test? A test of faith? Because if so, I think I got a big, fat "F". I still believe in God but very differently than I used to. I used to "trust" in him to take care of me and "guide" my life (church phrases people!). Not so much the case anymore. I believe he is there, he created the world and everyone in it. But I guess I feel like I'm on my own to make my way in this life. That God just kind of sits and watches. Does that make any sense at all?
I wonder how people keep their faith after so much disappointment and heartache. Sickness, death and suffering. Bad people doing bad things to innocent people. I'm actually in awe of them. With everything so out of our control does it give them comfort to believe that a higher power is looking after them? Maybe I wish I could be that way but all IF has done for me is make me feel alone, isolated and out of control. And sad. God I'm so sick of sad...
Please don't take this post as a pity party for myself. I really am doing well day to day. The feelings do sometimes creep in and surprise me though. As MrHoppy and I are finding out - you can't predict when it's going to happen!
So that's where I'm at with God. I wondered if I should even write this post. It's such a downer post, and for that I apologize. But, as all my fellow IF'ers know this is a roller coaster of emotions. I'll always be IF, that won't change.
9 months ago