Hello world!
2 months ago
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Religion, God and IF
This post may get a little long and heavy so this is your warning... :)
I have been thinking about (questioning really) religion, and God more specifically, since our decision to stop IF treatments. And I'm kind of lost on how I feel about the whole issue.
A little background on me: I was raised Christian and attended church every Sunday growing up. We were there religiously (ha!) every Sunday through my highschool career. We were pretty involved in youth group, the whole bit. Then when I was 18 something happened to our family at church that made me question "church". I didn't question God but I really wasn't into the whole church vibe, atmosphere, people, etc. I stopped going and haven't been back except for holidays since. And the holidays where I attend are few and far between...
I do, however, believe in God. I just don't know exactly where that belief fits into my life. I guess I'm still angry and sad that MrHoppy and I aren't able to have children. I probably always will be to some extent right? I know, I know, life isn't fair, I understand that. You don't get everything you want in life. I know.
But wouldn't it be nice, since we're already dealing with the heartache and difficulty of IF, if we could catch another break? Like the funds to pay for treatments on our own... insurance that covers IVF... a surprise BFP... something?
What is that saying you always hear in church? "When God closes a door he opens a window?" Sometimes I feel like not only did he close and lock our door, he nailed all the windows shut as well!
My questions still linger: Why us? Why are 15 year olds, crack heads and child abusers blessed with children but 2 people that would be great parents aren't? And to go beyond myself I wonder why people are starving, sick and why so many are made to suffer so much. Again, I know life isn't fair. It's not perfect and never will be. I guess my question is why some people are made to endure so much more suffering than others. Not only is it unfair, it seems cruel.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed in so many ways. But that doesn't mean my sadness and suffering over the loss of having children is any less real. And I wonder what I did to deserve it? Is this a test? A test of faith? Because if so, I think I got a big, fat "F". I still believe in God but very differently than I used to. I used to "trust" in him to take care of me and "guide" my life (church phrases people!). Not so much the case anymore. I believe he is there, he created the world and everyone in it. But I guess I feel like I'm on my own to make my way in this life. That God just kind of sits and watches. Does that make any sense at all?
I wonder how people keep their faith after so much disappointment and heartache. Sickness, death and suffering. Bad people doing bad things to innocent people. I'm actually in awe of them. With everything so out of our control does it give them comfort to believe that a higher power is looking after them? Maybe I wish I could be that way but all IF has done for me is make me feel alone, isolated and out of control. And sad. God I'm so sick of sad...
Please don't take this post as a pity party for myself. I really am doing well day to day. The feelings do sometimes creep in and surprise me though. As MrHoppy and I are finding out - you can't predict when it's going to happen!
So that's where I'm at with God. I wondered if I should even write this post. It's such a downer post, and for that I apologize. But, as all my fellow IF'ers know this is a roller coaster of emotions. I'll always be IF, that won't change.
I have been thinking about (questioning really) religion, and God more specifically, since our decision to stop IF treatments. And I'm kind of lost on how I feel about the whole issue.
A little background on me: I was raised Christian and attended church every Sunday growing up. We were there religiously (ha!) every Sunday through my highschool career. We were pretty involved in youth group, the whole bit. Then when I was 18 something happened to our family at church that made me question "church". I didn't question God but I really wasn't into the whole church vibe, atmosphere, people, etc. I stopped going and haven't been back except for holidays since. And the holidays where I attend are few and far between...
I do, however, believe in God. I just don't know exactly where that belief fits into my life. I guess I'm still angry and sad that MrHoppy and I aren't able to have children. I probably always will be to some extent right? I know, I know, life isn't fair, I understand that. You don't get everything you want in life. I know.
But wouldn't it be nice, since we're already dealing with the heartache and difficulty of IF, if we could catch another break? Like the funds to pay for treatments on our own... insurance that covers IVF... a surprise BFP... something?
What is that saying you always hear in church? "When God closes a door he opens a window?" Sometimes I feel like not only did he close and lock our door, he nailed all the windows shut as well!
My questions still linger: Why us? Why are 15 year olds, crack heads and child abusers blessed with children but 2 people that would be great parents aren't? And to go beyond myself I wonder why people are starving, sick and why so many are made to suffer so much. Again, I know life isn't fair. It's not perfect and never will be. I guess my question is why some people are made to endure so much more suffering than others. Not only is it unfair, it seems cruel.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed in so many ways. But that doesn't mean my sadness and suffering over the loss of having children is any less real. And I wonder what I did to deserve it? Is this a test? A test of faith? Because if so, I think I got a big, fat "F". I still believe in God but very differently than I used to. I used to "trust" in him to take care of me and "guide" my life (church phrases people!). Not so much the case anymore. I believe he is there, he created the world and everyone in it. But I guess I feel like I'm on my own to make my way in this life. That God just kind of sits and watches. Does that make any sense at all?
I wonder how people keep their faith after so much disappointment and heartache. Sickness, death and suffering. Bad people doing bad things to innocent people. I'm actually in awe of them. With everything so out of our control does it give them comfort to believe that a higher power is looking after them? Maybe I wish I could be that way but all IF has done for me is make me feel alone, isolated and out of control. And sad. God I'm so sick of sad...
Please don't take this post as a pity party for myself. I really am doing well day to day. The feelings do sometimes creep in and surprise me though. As MrHoppy and I are finding out - you can't predict when it's going to happen!
So that's where I'm at with God. I wondered if I should even write this post. It's such a downer post, and for that I apologize. But, as all my fellow IF'ers know this is a roller coaster of emotions. I'll always be IF, that won't change.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Whirlwind Christmas!
A belated Merry Christmas to you all!
We have been going nonstop since last Wednesday, the 22nd. I spent the morning at my new gym (LOVE!) and then spent the afternoon with my sister and adorable nephew shopping. MrHoppy and I were prepared for the first round of his family we had coming into town that night. It was a late night full of catching up, eating, drinking (too much) and laughter.
Thursday started with a headache and a morning spent with my sister-in-law. The men-folk were out pheasant hunting so they were gone by the time we woke up.We lounged around and I whipped up some delicious breakfast burritos. After we finally showered for the day we went to get pedicures. Ahhh I loved it. I was in dire need of one as well! The guy who did mine gave me the most amazing foot/calf massage. Then we decorated cookies and got to baking! I was actually into the baking this year. Weird right? And can I just say that it's pretty easy to entertain a very sweet 14 year old. She is not the typical teenager - still very sweet and innocent so we had a great day together!
Christmas Eve-day was spent preparing our delicious dinner feast. The beer and wine were flowing, the family all arrived and our tree was overflowing with presents. 10 of us fit perfectly at our table (after adding a folding one to the end!) and dinner turned out perfectly. We had an amazing night. We opened gifts with my family and it was fun for the 2 families to catch up. We all get along so well which is amazing. The ONLY downfall of the night was when poor MrHoppy started feeling sick. Like really sick. Like he's starting ANOTHER colitis flare and he had to go to bed sick. I was sad, I cried because I was so worried about what another flare might mean for us and the coming months...
But... he woke up Christmas morning feeling much better. We put together our amazing quiches and got to work opening presents with his Dad, step-Mom, brother and sister. Everyone has been so generous this year and we all got amazing gifts. I felt really blessed to be part of their family. MrHoppy was getting pretty antsy by the time we finished brunch so we decided to take the dirt bike out for a ride in the fields by our house. We had fun, just the 2 of us. No falls and I got to practice more. His Dad wasn't feeling well that day (he has colitis too) so we just relaxed, played games and watched Christmas Vacation. My favorite holiday movie for sure!
Sunday morning they all left super early to catch a flight to WA to visit MrHoppy's sister, husband and their 4 week old baby, my new niece J. By 11AM his Mom and step-dad arrived and we opened presents with them and had brunch. Then we got to sit in club-level seats for the Bronco game! And our beloved Broncos came back for a 4th quarter win. It must have been a Christmas miracle! :)
And I'm not going to lie - I am really glad to have our house back. It's a lot of work to entertain and have houseguests for that long! I was so busy I didn't take many pictures. I'm so mad at myself and bummed but I'm hoping that I'll get some email photos from family. I do have a few that I'll get to posting tonight or tomorrow. Once I catch my breath... :)
We have been going nonstop since last Wednesday, the 22nd. I spent the morning at my new gym (LOVE!) and then spent the afternoon with my sister and adorable nephew shopping. MrHoppy and I were prepared for the first round of his family we had coming into town that night. It was a late night full of catching up, eating, drinking (too much) and laughter.
Thursday started with a headache and a morning spent with my sister-in-law. The men-folk were out pheasant hunting so they were gone by the time we woke up.We lounged around and I whipped up some delicious breakfast burritos. After we finally showered for the day we went to get pedicures. Ahhh I loved it. I was in dire need of one as well! The guy who did mine gave me the most amazing foot/calf massage. Then we decorated cookies and got to baking! I was actually into the baking this year. Weird right? And can I just say that it's pretty easy to entertain a very sweet 14 year old. She is not the typical teenager - still very sweet and innocent so we had a great day together!
Christmas Eve-day was spent preparing our delicious dinner feast. The beer and wine were flowing, the family all arrived and our tree was overflowing with presents. 10 of us fit perfectly at our table (after adding a folding one to the end!) and dinner turned out perfectly. We had an amazing night. We opened gifts with my family and it was fun for the 2 families to catch up. We all get along so well which is amazing. The ONLY downfall of the night was when poor MrHoppy started feeling sick. Like really sick. Like he's starting ANOTHER colitis flare and he had to go to bed sick. I was sad, I cried because I was so worried about what another flare might mean for us and the coming months...
But... he woke up Christmas morning feeling much better. We put together our amazing quiches and got to work opening presents with his Dad, step-Mom, brother and sister. Everyone has been so generous this year and we all got amazing gifts. I felt really blessed to be part of their family. MrHoppy was getting pretty antsy by the time we finished brunch so we decided to take the dirt bike out for a ride in the fields by our house. We had fun, just the 2 of us. No falls and I got to practice more. His Dad wasn't feeling well that day (he has colitis too) so we just relaxed, played games and watched Christmas Vacation. My favorite holiday movie for sure!
Sunday morning they all left super early to catch a flight to WA to visit MrHoppy's sister, husband and their 4 week old baby, my new niece J. By 11AM his Mom and step-dad arrived and we opened presents with them and had brunch. Then we got to sit in club-level seats for the Bronco game! And our beloved Broncos came back for a 4th quarter win. It must have been a Christmas miracle! :)
And I'm not going to lie - I am really glad to have our house back. It's a lot of work to entertain and have houseguests for that long! I was so busy I didn't take many pictures. I'm so mad at myself and bummed but I'm hoping that I'll get some email photos from family. I do have a few that I'll get to posting tonight or tomorrow. Once I catch my breath... :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
A Fresh Start
I've been begging MrHoppy to come with me to check out a new gym. I won't even get into the laundry list of reasons I loathe our current gym but suffice it to say that it SUCKS. It's small, crappy equipment, broken equipment, gross people... I could go on, and on, and on....
But I won't! I'm going to rave about the new gym we joined on Saturday, woo hoo! I'm pretty stoked about it - if you can't tell already. It's a real-life big girl gym! There are over 150 classes offered per week with no extra charge, 3 swimming pools, hot tubs, steam rooms, saunas, volleyball, basketball, climbing wall, tons of cardio equipment, spinning, yoga, hot yoga, pilates, a spa, a health food cafe... Hmmm what else? There really is more and I can't think of it right now.
And for this gym rat it's a dream come true. My new happy place I think (hope).
The only bummer is that I had to opt out of my carpool. The gym is located between our house and work. So I'll be going either before work or right after. So the carpool thing wasn't going to work out anymore. I feel bad but I have to do what's good for me. And this is going to be soooo good for me! Since I'm still carpooling this week I haven't had a chance to work out there yet. MrHoppy went yesterday and is going today and said I'm going to LOVE it! I can't wait!
Oh I guess there is another bummer.... Our stupid current gym has a 30 day cancel policy. We are billed on the 26th of every month so I went in last night (the 20th) to cancel it. Pay for December and call 'er good since January 20th is before our billing date. Oh no, of course it can't work out like that. She said their billing is on the 1st, it just doesn't come out for everyone on that day. Seriously??? What a crock of shit. I didn't argue, I just signed the damn form and left. Because I am done there.
And ready to start fresh at my new gym! MrHoppy is mad already (and somehow this is all my fault?) so we'll see if he calls them to talk about it. My guess is he'll just fume about it for a day and let it go. That's about all we can do right?
Since today is my last day of work this week (hooray!!!) I'm going tomorrow. I already picked a morning class that will give me time to run afterward and maybe sit in the sauna before my day really starts.
But I won't! I'm going to rave about the new gym we joined on Saturday, woo hoo! I'm pretty stoked about it - if you can't tell already. It's a real-life big girl gym! There are over 150 classes offered per week with no extra charge, 3 swimming pools, hot tubs, steam rooms, saunas, volleyball, basketball, climbing wall, tons of cardio equipment, spinning, yoga, hot yoga, pilates, a spa, a health food cafe... Hmmm what else? There really is more and I can't think of it right now.
And for this gym rat it's a dream come true. My new happy place I think (hope).
The only bummer is that I had to opt out of my carpool. The gym is located between our house and work. So I'll be going either before work or right after. So the carpool thing wasn't going to work out anymore. I feel bad but I have to do what's good for me. And this is going to be soooo good for me! Since I'm still carpooling this week I haven't had a chance to work out there yet. MrHoppy went yesterday and is going today and said I'm going to LOVE it! I can't wait!
Oh I guess there is another bummer.... Our stupid current gym has a 30 day cancel policy. We are billed on the 26th of every month so I went in last night (the 20th) to cancel it. Pay for December and call 'er good since January 20th is before our billing date. Oh no, of course it can't work out like that. She said their billing is on the 1st, it just doesn't come out for everyone on that day. Seriously??? What a crock of shit. I didn't argue, I just signed the damn form and left. Because I am done there.
And ready to start fresh at my new gym! MrHoppy is mad already (and somehow this is all my fault?) so we'll see if he calls them to talk about it. My guess is he'll just fume about it for a day and let it go. That's about all we can do right?
Since today is my last day of work this week (hooray!!!) I'm going tomorrow. I already picked a morning class that will give me time to run afterward and maybe sit in the sauna before my day really starts.
Friday, December 17, 2010
It's a Christmas Miracle!
This morning it snowed! Granted it was over by noon and we had ZERO accumulation but I was excited to sit in my office and (finally) watch the flakes fall. It's cold today too so it's starting to feel a little bit more like Christmas... :)
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| This was taken with my iPhone so you can't see it very well but it was snowing! Ignore the bland and dreary view from the reception area of our office! |
I'm also pleased to report that my annual meeting at work - the one where we review the year and discuss a raise - went pretty well. I think we've ironed out a few kinks and though I had to come down a bit from my original request I think my 2nd negotiation might go through. We shall see. It would be incredibly helpful indeed!
I'm feeling better today - perhaps because it's Friday? Things don't feel as bleak and unorganized which is always a good thing. I think we're staying in tonight with cocktails, the fire, our pups and a movie. Tomorrow the Christmas running around begins!! Grocery shopping for the family staying at our house next week, a Christmas party and we'll also pick up a prime rib from Rock Bottom for our Christmas Eve feast! Sometimes it really pays to know people in the restaurant industry!
I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
(Trying to Be) Thankful on Thursday
:::sigh:::
I'll be honest and just say that I'm not feeling the whole thankful spirit thing today. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just feeling so blah.
Honestly - and this is really hard to say - I think I need to go back and see my counselor. I am feeling "not myself" again and it's really bothering me. I'm kind of all over the place in my mind and so I think talking to her will help. MrHoppy and I discussed this last night and I think I'm going to go and we'll do some sessions together. I'll start back up after the first of the year.
I guess a lot of it is stemming from a feeling of discord and indecision I've been experiencing in my life lately. Big decisions have been made and now small(er) decisions are going to be made. Here is one subject I've been mulling over in my mind: The house situation.
- We bought and moved into our house in 2006 with the idea we'd live in the 'burbs, start a family and live our life in bliss. 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, big yard, 3 car garage, 2.5 kids, 2 dogs... You know the "American Dream". It was perfect for us with plenty of room to grow. Well come to find out, our family isn't going to grow. This is it. And now when I think about the sleepy city we live in and our house I just want change. I want to move back to the city, get a smaller house and be close to museums, restaurants, shopping, bars, ACTIVITY for the love of God!
- The housing market is making it tough for us to make a decision. I'm afraid to pull the trigger. We got our house for a steal and have done a lot of upgrades (built a huge deck, finished the basement, etc) and I would like to make some money back on those things. It's such a gamble - I've seen houses sell in our neighborhood recently for more than we paid for ours and also for much less.
- We don't want to wait indefinitely to make our move. Who knows when the market will come back? So maybe we should sell, hope for a tiny profit (if any), pray we don't have a loss and get the hell out? Due to MrHoppy's previous medical bill disasters it's going to be hard to get a loan in this climate. So we could sell, rent a cute house in the city and save money for a down payment. In the meantime really narrow down the neighborhoods we love and find our forever home in the city?
Wow that got really long. See what I mean? I don't know what to do. And if we are going to stay in our house I want to keep making upgrades and redecorating since I'm really enjoying that. But if we're going to move it's going to be a waste of time (and money).
I absolutely love our house but it has become another reminder of the family we'll never have. I'm bored where we live and there isn't anything for young couples to do really.
Any advice? What would you do?
Oh and today I am MOST thankful that I get to leave work at 3:30! Our poor Ridgey has to get the staples removed from her foot so Mama gets out of work early! Hopefully they say everything has healed great (minus the tendons for course) and it goes fast so I can hit the gym and work out some of this tension!
I'll be honest and just say that I'm not feeling the whole thankful spirit thing today. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just feeling so blah.
Honestly - and this is really hard to say - I think I need to go back and see my counselor. I am feeling "not myself" again and it's really bothering me. I'm kind of all over the place in my mind and so I think talking to her will help. MrHoppy and I discussed this last night and I think I'm going to go and we'll do some sessions together. I'll start back up after the first of the year.
I guess a lot of it is stemming from a feeling of discord and indecision I've been experiencing in my life lately. Big decisions have been made and now small(er) decisions are going to be made. Here is one subject I've been mulling over in my mind: The house situation.
- We bought and moved into our house in 2006 with the idea we'd live in the 'burbs, start a family and live our life in bliss. 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, big yard, 3 car garage, 2.5 kids, 2 dogs... You know the "American Dream". It was perfect for us with plenty of room to grow. Well come to find out, our family isn't going to grow. This is it. And now when I think about the sleepy city we live in and our house I just want change. I want to move back to the city, get a smaller house and be close to museums, restaurants, shopping, bars, ACTIVITY for the love of God!
- The housing market is making it tough for us to make a decision. I'm afraid to pull the trigger. We got our house for a steal and have done a lot of upgrades (built a huge deck, finished the basement, etc) and I would like to make some money back on those things. It's such a gamble - I've seen houses sell in our neighborhood recently for more than we paid for ours and also for much less.
- We don't want to wait indefinitely to make our move. Who knows when the market will come back? So maybe we should sell, hope for a tiny profit (if any), pray we don't have a loss and get the hell out? Due to MrHoppy's previous medical bill disasters it's going to be hard to get a loan in this climate. So we could sell, rent a cute house in the city and save money for a down payment. In the meantime really narrow down the neighborhoods we love and find our forever home in the city?
Wow that got really long. See what I mean? I don't know what to do. And if we are going to stay in our house I want to keep making upgrades and redecorating since I'm really enjoying that. But if we're going to move it's going to be a waste of time (and money).
I absolutely love our house but it has become another reminder of the family we'll never have. I'm bored where we live and there isn't anything for young couples to do really.
Any advice? What would you do?
Oh and today I am MOST thankful that I get to leave work at 3:30! Our poor Ridgey has to get the staples removed from her foot so Mama gets out of work early! Hopefully they say everything has healed great (minus the tendons for course) and it goes fast so I can hit the gym and work out some of this tension!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
All I Want for Christmas
Every single time a family member asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year I was stumped. I couldn't think of anything I wanted. Or perhaps I should rephrase that... I couldn't think of anything that was in anyone's budget for me!
So MrHoppy gave his family ideas for me - I haven't a clue what he said. And my Mom already had my present so she didn't need any ideas - what could it be?! Needless to say I haven't a clue as to what I'm getting for Christmas! And that rarely happens!
2. A real-life, flashy and high tech big-girl camera. I haven't a clue how to use one but I really want to take a photography class along with a new camera. I think it would be a fun hobby.
What's on your list? "Real" list or "dream" list?
So MrHoppy gave his family ideas for me - I haven't a clue what he said. And my Mom already had my present so she didn't need any ideas - what could it be?! Needless to say I haven't a clue as to what I'm getting for Christmas! And that rarely happens!
I thought it might be fun to list everything I want for Christmas (or for any other reason!) that is super expensive, so over the top and SO never going to happen! Why not? This is just a list people. 99.9% of these things won't ever materialize!
And this is purely a "things" list. We all know something else I would love to have but that one is 100% out of my control. :)
1. Loads of money. Winning PowerBall perhaps? Of course this is number one! I could have my #1 wish and everything else on my list if this one came true!
3. The super cute Duvet Cover I found on etsy. I couldn't spend that much on a duvet but I love it!
4. Veneers. Or braces. I have a weird thing about my teeth, aka I hate them. I had braces for years and they aren't looking as straight as they once were...
5. A breast lift and augmentation. A girl can dream right? If I'm not having kids I might as well be vain and look great right??
6. A brand new Tahoe. For some reason I love the look of them right now!
7. An entryway table/bar for a space in our house.
8. The time, means and money to do all the redecorating I have in mind.
Oh hell, I want a new house too. See #5... If we're not going to have children I want to move OUT of the 'burbs and back into the city!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Christmas - Hoppy Style
I took some pictures of our Christmas decor - finally! I still haven't mastered the flash with this new camera we purchased last month. I'm not 100% happy with how the pictures turned out because of it. They don't do our holiday home justice! Because it's really cute and cheerful in here. I'm typing away now with the tree and candles lit and the fire going. I'm warm and toasty!
And I couldn't resist adding some other pictures....
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| Our fireplace - Don't mind the table and cord on the right, we rearranged since I took this one |
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| I painted these letters and used a glue gun to attach them to ribbon to hang them. Turned out pretty cute! |
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| This is the wreath on the door leading to the basement |
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| An old bell wreath on the door leading to the garage |
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| I attempted to make this little "tree" with branches cut from a tree in the backyard. It looks better in person! |
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| Our little tree. We use ornaments we've had all our lives so there isn't a theme but each one means something to us which I love |
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| The greenery and ornaments above the cabinets in our kitchen. The lights were added recently by MrHoppy. Doesn't it look pretty? |
And I couldn't resist adding some other pictures....
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| He is turning into a little man! |
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| Auntie and O-Town |
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| Frigid Bronco game. Nope, we didn't win. We watched damn Sam Bradford and the Rams stomp our Broncos! |
Monday, December 13, 2010
I'm Dreaming of a...
Brown Christmas?!
Not a flake of snow on the ground and 60 degree temperatures? I think not.
The trees, grass, flowers and plants know that it's Winter... The leaves fell, the flowers died. I guess nature didn't get the message and is giving us unseasonably warm weather? But it's hard to enjoy when the whole world is brown. Waiting for the snow and moisture we're supposed to be having this time of year...
Which is driving me bat-shit-crazy. I look at the weather every morning and there isn't any change in our forecast. Just 50s and 60s and dry as a chip.
I'm a seasons girl. I like the changing weather and I expecially love having snow this time of year. It just puts me in the Christmas spirit. The mountains have been getting dumped on. They have gotten over 100% of their usual amount of snow in just 10 days this month! So when is that snow going to make it over the tunnel, down the pass and into my life??
I guess we'll walk around our neighborhood looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve in shorts and t-shirts? Or maybe it will be a Christmas miracle and we'll get some snow! After all, this is Colorado right?
Not a flake of snow on the ground and 60 degree temperatures? I think not.
The trees, grass, flowers and plants know that it's Winter... The leaves fell, the flowers died. I guess nature didn't get the message and is giving us unseasonably warm weather? But it's hard to enjoy when the whole world is brown. Waiting for the snow and moisture we're supposed to be having this time of year...
Which is driving me bat-shit-crazy. I look at the weather every morning and there isn't any change in our forecast. Just 50s and 60s and dry as a chip.
I'm a seasons girl. I like the changing weather and I expecially love having snow this time of year. It just puts me in the Christmas spirit. The mountains have been getting dumped on. They have gotten over 100% of their usual amount of snow in just 10 days this month! So when is that snow going to make it over the tunnel, down the pass and into my life??
I guess we'll walk around our neighborhood looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve in shorts and t-shirts? Or maybe it will be a Christmas miracle and we'll get some snow! After all, this is Colorado right?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thankful on Thursday
Today I am thankful for Usher. Usher you say? Like an usher in a wedding??
No, not that kind of usher! That sexy man with the rock hard abs? That Usher.
Is this something random to be thankful for? Maybe, but once you have seen my adorable nephew holding my (precious) iPhone 4 and dancing to "Oh My God" for the entire song... You would be thankful too. It's simply one of the cutest things I will ever witness.
We babysat last night and had such a good evening with that little angel. I tried to capture him dancing on video but didn't get anything to write home about. It was too dim in our house (due to the fact that the only lights we have on lately are Christmas lights!), so when MrHoppy got up to turn on the overhead light he was distracted. Then he was distracted by me following him with the camera. And then he was too busy chewing on said iPhone to keep dancing.
I will get it on video. It's my new goal. It's so cute. Something everyone should see. He definitely has the same taste in music as my sister. :)
No, not that kind of usher! That sexy man with the rock hard abs? That Usher.
Is this something random to be thankful for? Maybe, but once you have seen my adorable nephew holding my (precious) iPhone 4 and dancing to "Oh My God" for the entire song... You would be thankful too. It's simply one of the cutest things I will ever witness.
We babysat last night and had such a good evening with that little angel. I tried to capture him dancing on video but didn't get anything to write home about. It was too dim in our house (due to the fact that the only lights we have on lately are Christmas lights!), so when MrHoppy got up to turn on the overhead light he was distracted. Then he was distracted by me following him with the camera. And then he was too busy chewing on said iPhone to keep dancing.
I will get it on video. It's my new goal. It's so cute. Something everyone should see. He definitely has the same taste in music as my sister. :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's a Small World After All...
I had an appointment with the imaging department of my Dr office this afternoon to figure out why I have this sudden mid-cycle bleeding going on. After checking in I was taken back to the room by a super nice tech. You know how you can just tell when someone is a genuinely nice person? She was one of them.
She went over my chart and asked me about all the IF stuff we've done. She was really compassionate and interested in my history with IF, which isn't always the case in the medical world.
Sidenote: Sadly I've had experiences with general nurses and doctors that know nothing about the world of IF. One that particularly stands out: I had food poisoning a couple days after an IUI. They took blood and the nurse (who meant well) could not understand that I still had the trigger in my system and kept insisting that I was pregnant. Um, not possible yet, I promise. She literally ran into my room and yelled "you're pregnant!". Even after I explained everything to her I could tell she still thought I was pregnant. There was no talking her out of it so I gave up and just went back to my vomiting. :)
Anyway... the tech then told me that they call her daughter the "million dollar baby". She said that they had been through the IF wringer and that after NINE (no, not a typo) IVFs they were finally able to conceive their daughter. I was speechless, here I am feeling sad about the money spent and heartache endured on our 6 measly IUIs and she went through so much more.
And I felt a camaraderie there in that ultrasound room. We are not alone. We may feel like we are at times but there are so many other couples struggling with IF. It's such a silent struggle which will always frustrate me. I've been more open about our IF and I will continue to be. How else will people learn about it and understand that it happens all the time, to people they know? It was good to meet another IF'er, good to know that I'm not alone.
Oh and everything was fine - she couldn't see any physical reason for the spotting and bleeding. Which is the good news. The bad news is that it's probably just hormonal and there won't be much they can do except put me on birth control. Which I don't think I'm into... We shall see what my gyno says when she goes over the results!
She went over my chart and asked me about all the IF stuff we've done. She was really compassionate and interested in my history with IF, which isn't always the case in the medical world.
Sidenote: Sadly I've had experiences with general nurses and doctors that know nothing about the world of IF. One that particularly stands out: I had food poisoning a couple days after an IUI. They took blood and the nurse (who meant well) could not understand that I still had the trigger in my system and kept insisting that I was pregnant. Um, not possible yet, I promise. She literally ran into my room and yelled "you're pregnant!". Even after I explained everything to her I could tell she still thought I was pregnant. There was no talking her out of it so I gave up and just went back to my vomiting. :)
Anyway... the tech then told me that they call her daughter the "million dollar baby". She said that they had been through the IF wringer and that after NINE (no, not a typo) IVFs they were finally able to conceive their daughter. I was speechless, here I am feeling sad about the money spent and heartache endured on our 6 measly IUIs and she went through so much more.
And I felt a camaraderie there in that ultrasound room. We are not alone. We may feel like we are at times but there are so many other couples struggling with IF. It's such a silent struggle which will always frustrate me. I've been more open about our IF and I will continue to be. How else will people learn about it and understand that it happens all the time, to people they know? It was good to meet another IF'er, good to know that I'm not alone.
Oh and everything was fine - she couldn't see any physical reason for the spotting and bleeding. Which is the good news. The bad news is that it's probably just hormonal and there won't be much they can do except put me on birth control. Which I don't think I'm into... We shall see what my gyno says when she goes over the results!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Florida - Better Late Than Never
I finally sat down tonight and downloaded the pictures we took in Florida. It's been a month since we've been home so I'm just a tad bit slow... But better late than never right?
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| Like they never spent a day apart! |
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| Rehearsal Dinner |
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| Rehearsal Dinner |
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| Fire pit in Florida with our friends! |
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| Helping at the reception site |
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| Brady and I (M's son) who I absolutely loved spending time with |
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| MrHoppy and me - he looks so handsome in his tux! |
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| Reception - MrHoppy was the Best Man |
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| R and I - Beautiful Bride! |
Sunday morning first thing we drove to Daytona Beach to stay with my Grandma and Grandpa for one night. My Aunt and cousin that live in Jacksonville came down for the day so we got in some fun family time. We were so exhausted from all the partying we did the last few days we slept 12 hours that night! It's very quiet at my Grandma's house... :) We walked on the beach Monday morning with her and took her to lunch at a crazy sandwich shop with a giant gorilla on the wall. Delish!
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| My Granda and me walking on Daytona Beach |
Monday afternoon we headed to DisneyWorld. I was so excited, I hadn't been in years. And I've never stayed at one of the hotels there. Our reservations were at the Port Orleans resort, right on the little river. After checking in we rode the ferry to Downtown Disney and hung out all night at an Irish Pub we found. I don't know what it is about us and Irish Pubs... They get us everytime!
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| On the boat to Downtown Disney |
Tuesday we got up early (barely, it was rough!) and hit the Magic Kingdom. We had a fabulous day - it was the perfect time of year to go apparently. No lines and no crowds. Anyone who knows MrHoppy knows how he feels about crowds. He gets stressed! We went out that night again in Downtown Disney (why not, it's vacation!) and went to bed a bit earlier than the night before.
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| Magic Kingdom! |
Monday, December 6, 2010
How a Piece of Metal Ruined my Saturday
Picture it: A somewhat warm December day in sunny Colorado. Mr and MrsHoppy decide they are going to get a lot done outside before it gets too cold. Hang Christmas lights, scoop dog poop, trim the bushes and cut back all the roses lining the deck. Sounds innocent enough right? Right? RIGHT???
Since we had planned to attend the Parade of Lights in Denver that night MrHoppy got to work in the front hanging lights while I was in the back taking care of the yard work. I was actually really enjoying myself. I could just picture how beautiful our house would look when it was finished and it finally got dark. And how great it would feel to get those pesky Winter chores I've been putting off out of the way.
Bisa and Gizmo were hanging in the back with me all day. They started to get wild so I was smiling to myself while they played, running back and forth. "They love each other so much" I thought. "It's so nice they can play even with the huge size difference".
And then I heard a HUGE yelp. MrHoppy heard it from the front yard. I turned around and saw our big girl limping to the deck, holding her rear right paw up off the ground. S-H-I-T. I knew right away what happened. While running around she caught her foot on the metal edging. The cut was already bleeding by the time I got to her. MrHoppy burst into the backyard and knew exactly what happened too.
How do we know this you ask? My Dad's dog had the same injury in March. She severed every tendon in her foot on the edging in his yard and had to undergo a $2,000 surgery and 8 week recovery. It was deja vu since I was the one that found his dog and took her to the vet when she was injured.
I immediately started crying, ran inside, grabbed a paper towel so we could try to see how bad it was. Ummm, it was bad. We could see white which I thought was bone but MrHoppy assured me was her tendon - still where it should be. So we were hopeful.
I called the vet in our town that is open until 5PM on Saturdays (thank GOD) and we rushed her there. They were busy with emergencies so we had to leave her and they said they would call with an update as soon as possible. I cried the whole way home. I just knew it was going to be bad. I felt like we would never catch a break. To my surprise they called an hour or so later and said she was ready to come home. No tendon or muscle damage but it did take 3 staples to close her up. She was bandaged but just fine. She was to wear the bandage until Sunday night.
I was SO relieved. You can't imagine how bad I felt thinking about surgery, $2,000, a long recovery for my baby. Because that's really what they are to us - our babies. I didn't mind that we missed the parade. I would much rather have my girl home, safe and sound.
It may be selfish but I want her to be OK for me also. She is my running partner. Mostly in the Summer but we both look forward to our runs together. If she isn't able to do that anymore after we see how she heals I'll be devestated. I've been emotional about it. I feel guilty that we didn't take out all the edging in our yard after what happened to Schatzi. I feel like it's my fault. And I also feel like we can't catch a break. I thought we had on Saturday with the initial vet report. But I guess we didn't. I'll just keep hoping it heals well and I have my girl back in the Spring. It may look funny but if she can use her foot normally, that's OK with me.
Since we had planned to attend the Parade of Lights in Denver that night MrHoppy got to work in the front hanging lights while I was in the back taking care of the yard work. I was actually really enjoying myself. I could just picture how beautiful our house would look when it was finished and it finally got dark. And how great it would feel to get those pesky Winter chores I've been putting off out of the way.
Bisa and Gizmo were hanging in the back with me all day. They started to get wild so I was smiling to myself while they played, running back and forth. "They love each other so much" I thought. "It's so nice they can play even with the huge size difference".
And then I heard a HUGE yelp. MrHoppy heard it from the front yard. I turned around and saw our big girl limping to the deck, holding her rear right paw up off the ground. S-H-I-T. I knew right away what happened. While running around she caught her foot on the metal edging. The cut was already bleeding by the time I got to her. MrHoppy burst into the backyard and knew exactly what happened too.
How do we know this you ask? My Dad's dog had the same injury in March. She severed every tendon in her foot on the edging in his yard and had to undergo a $2,000 surgery and 8 week recovery. It was deja vu since I was the one that found his dog and took her to the vet when she was injured.
I immediately started crying, ran inside, grabbed a paper towel so we could try to see how bad it was. Ummm, it was bad. We could see white which I thought was bone but MrHoppy assured me was her tendon - still where it should be. So we were hopeful.
I called the vet in our town that is open until 5PM on Saturdays (thank GOD) and we rushed her there. They were busy with emergencies so we had to leave her and they said they would call with an update as soon as possible. I cried the whole way home. I just knew it was going to be bad. I felt like we would never catch a break. To my surprise they called an hour or so later and said she was ready to come home. No tendon or muscle damage but it did take 3 staples to close her up. She was bandaged but just fine. She was to wear the bandage until Sunday night.
I was SO relieved. You can't imagine how bad I felt thinking about surgery, $2,000, a long recovery for my baby. Because that's really what they are to us - our babies. I didn't mind that we missed the parade. I would much rather have my girl home, safe and sound.
Fast forward to Sunday night. Time to remove the bandage. I was horrified when I removed it and saw that one of her toes was not the way it should be. Just laying flat against the ground. And then I looked closer and the 2 outside toes were just not right. At all. Just like my Dad's dog whose toes never healed perfectly after her surgery. But worse. I cried again. I knew the tendon had been severed and they missed it. I also knew there wasn't much that could be done.
This morning I took her back to the vet. They confirmed that at least 1 tendon was severed, the toe pretty much isn't attached to the functioning foot. The outer toe is damaged as well. I was so upset but felt better when he assured me it shouldn't cause her any long-term problems. He said surgery would probably do more harm than good. Tendons are like rubber bands so the end could be pretty far up into her leg. They didn't advise it. It's also a good sign that she's already walking on it and adjusting. It just looks so weird.
Friday, December 3, 2010
TGI Frickin' F and a little TMI
How about all those acronyms? :)
I am sooo glad the weekend is almost upon us. Only 1.5 more hours until 5PM. Can I make it?? This week has flown by but the individual days are dragging.
We finished decorating the house last night! It took longer than usual with the extra little projects I came up with, but it was really fun. It was nice to spend the last two nights with MrHoppy at home. And as you all know - we needed it. No distractions, nothing else going on. We enjoyed it and when we laid on the couch, exhausted, to watch a few precious moments of TV we ended up admiring our work instead. I can officially say that I'm finally in the holiday spirit! Hooray!
And then we laughed the next 30 minutes away at Michael Scott on "The Office". :)
I took pictures but just couldn't get them right in the lighting. So I'm going to take some daytime shots tomorrow and then try again with some night shots where everything is lit up. I didn't have the energy to mess with it last night. But I am really happy with how it turned out. Since Christmas will be at our house this year it was important to me that it feel festive.
Caution! In other VERY TMI news (stop reading if you don't want to hear about what's going on in my body right now!)...
The last few cycles I have been spotting from about CD10-CD15. Which has never happened to me in the 15 or so years since I "became a woman". I repeat, never. I ovulate regularly so I figured it was a little bit of spotting from that. But each month seemed to be a bit worse, a bit longer and a bit more heavy. Yucky. Who likes to practically go back on their period when it just ended?! Not me!
Well last night I was doing the dinner dishes and just froze. I felt a huge gush and ran for the bathroom. I was bleeding so bad. It really freaked me (and MrHoppy) out. I had to sit there while he ran to the upstairs bathroom to get me a change of undies and a tampon. Seriously? He made me promise to call my Gyno this morning. And being the great wife that I am I followed through even though the bleeding has pretty much stopped. Not really even any spotting today.
Earlier this year my RE thought he saw a polyp in my ute - "nothing to be concerned about as far as getting pregnant or having it affect my life" he said. So it didn't even cross my mind until my nurse read through his notes (after asking if I could be pregnant, had I taken a test, etc? Uh probably not lady!) and saw that the little polyp was mentioned there from all the hot dates I've had with the vag-cam. She said it's nothing to be concerned about - since I'm in great health they want to do a pelvic ultrasound (vag-cam) on Wednesday and see what's going on in there. She doesn't think we need a biopsy or anything so that's good news.
So that's the update on my reproductive system. It's been a long time since I've talked about the old ute, ovaries, tubes and eggs huh? Kind of weird!
I am sooo glad the weekend is almost upon us. Only 1.5 more hours until 5PM. Can I make it?? This week has flown by but the individual days are dragging.
We finished decorating the house last night! It took longer than usual with the extra little projects I came up with, but it was really fun. It was nice to spend the last two nights with MrHoppy at home. And as you all know - we needed it. No distractions, nothing else going on. We enjoyed it and when we laid on the couch, exhausted, to watch a few precious moments of TV we ended up admiring our work instead. I can officially say that I'm finally in the holiday spirit! Hooray!
And then we laughed the next 30 minutes away at Michael Scott on "The Office". :)
I took pictures but just couldn't get them right in the lighting. So I'm going to take some daytime shots tomorrow and then try again with some night shots where everything is lit up. I didn't have the energy to mess with it last night. But I am really happy with how it turned out. Since Christmas will be at our house this year it was important to me that it feel festive.
Caution! In other VERY TMI news (stop reading if you don't want to hear about what's going on in my body right now!)...
The last few cycles I have been spotting from about CD10-CD15. Which has never happened to me in the 15 or so years since I "became a woman". I repeat, never. I ovulate regularly so I figured it was a little bit of spotting from that. But each month seemed to be a bit worse, a bit longer and a bit more heavy. Yucky. Who likes to practically go back on their period when it just ended?! Not me!
Well last night I was doing the dinner dishes and just froze. I felt a huge gush and ran for the bathroom. I was bleeding so bad. It really freaked me (and MrHoppy) out. I had to sit there while he ran to the upstairs bathroom to get me a change of undies and a tampon. Seriously? He made me promise to call my Gyno this morning. And being the great wife that I am I followed through even though the bleeding has pretty much stopped. Not really even any spotting today.
Earlier this year my RE thought he saw a polyp in my ute - "nothing to be concerned about as far as getting pregnant or having it affect my life" he said. So it didn't even cross my mind until my nurse read through his notes (after asking if I could be pregnant, had I taken a test, etc? Uh probably not lady!) and saw that the little polyp was mentioned there from all the hot dates I've had with the vag-cam. She said it's nothing to be concerned about - since I'm in great health they want to do a pelvic ultrasound (vag-cam) on Wednesday and see what's going on in there. She doesn't think we need a biopsy or anything so that's good news.
So that's the update on my reproductive system. It's been a long time since I've talked about the old ute, ovaries, tubes and eggs huh? Kind of weird!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
This Article is Worth 2 Posts in 1 Day!
MrHoppy called me on his way to work today to tell me about an article he read over his morning coffee today. I thought it was spot on and so worth the read.
We aren't alone!
http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/
I don't think it's clicky and don't have time to mess with it but just copy and paste in your browser, it should work just fine!
We aren't alone!
http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/
I don't think it's clicky and don't have time to mess with it but just copy and paste in your browser, it should work just fine!
Thankful on Thursday
I have been thinking a lot this week about what to write about for this post. It's been a tough week, I'll be honest about that. Hell, it's been a tough year! It's been hard on our friends and family who grieve the loss of our dream to be parents along with us. And I haven't felt very thankful. But there are a lot of things I DO have. And I need to be better about focusing on those things.
So in the spirit of Thankful on Thursday...
I am thankful for my health. In general I think I take it for granted. I know first hand after seeing MrHoppy struggle with his crazy ulcerative colitis how hard an ongoing health problem can be. What a toll it can take on your everyday life.
I am in great shape, I exercise almost daily, I eat well and I take care of myself. But I've also been blessed with good health. I don't suffer from any ailments (other than sciatica) and I don't get sick often. It really is something to be thankful for - even if I don't think about it on a daily basis.
So in the spirit of Thankful on Thursday...
I am thankful for my health. In general I think I take it for granted. I know first hand after seeing MrHoppy struggle with his crazy ulcerative colitis how hard an ongoing health problem can be. What a toll it can take on your everyday life.
I am in great shape, I exercise almost daily, I eat well and I take care of myself. But I've also been blessed with good health. I don't suffer from any ailments (other than sciatica) and I don't get sick often. It really is something to be thankful for - even if I don't think about it on a daily basis.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Getting into the Christmas Spirit
I haven't felt very Christmas-y this week. Maybe it's just the strain from Sunday night with MrHoppy? Perhaps I feel different deep down since this is our first Christmas without the prospect of ever having a family? Last year I knew we had more IUIs in our future. We had discussed IVF and even the possibility of travelling to Costa Rica for IVF. Either way - the option was still there. This year it's not. And I think I feel both relief and disappointment... At the same time. Such is the way it goes with my constantly confused emotions I suppose right?
Normally I love this time of year. I love when our house is decorated - inside and out. I love cuddling under a soft blanket and watching a movie with the smell of our seasonal candles burning. The glow from the fireplace warming the room, and the pups laying in front of it of course! Christmas lights twinkling from the tree which has tons of unopened presents underneath it. But we haven't even put away our Fell decorations yet. And I'm tired of them. Who still has a Fall wreath on the front door in December? This girl!
That is all going to change tonight. After the gym and a quick shower MrHoppy and I decided we are getting into the Christmas spirit! We are going to decorate the inside of the house. We are going to have Christmas music playing, candles burning and the fire roaring. We are going to enjoy it if it kills us! :) MrHoppy already said that he's going to try to get all the lights hung outside on Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed it isn't too cold!
Really though, I am looking forward to it. With my renewed interest in our home and decorating I have some new ideas to try and we purchased a few things to spice up our current decor a few weeks ago. And I have decided I'm not using something unless I really like it. Why put things out that I just feel "eh" about?
He and I still need to talk. We haven't seen each other since our fight on Sunday night. His schedule at the beginning of each week is opposite mine so not seeing one another for a couple days isn't unusual for us. Plus it's not really a conversation we can have while I'm at work and my co-irkers can hear every word I say! We have talked though, a little bit. And I'm not as mad as I was Sunday, or even Monday. He has taken care of a lot today on his day off and I appreciate that very much. I love him and he needs to know and feel that. BUT (and this is a big but) some things need to change. We need to figure out a solution that we're both comfortable with.
So I hope in the midst of our decorating extravaganza we can talk. Open and honest communication is so important. My sister was honest with me Monday night and said she it tired of seeing me sad. She said we need to fix this or make some decisions. And I agree with her. I'm just not sure how we'll go about that yet. We shall see!
Oh and I'm going to take pictures of us decorating. And of course pictures of how everything turns out. This blog needs some more pictures so I need to stop being so lazy about downloading them!
How do you get into the Christmas spirit?
Normally I love this time of year. I love when our house is decorated - inside and out. I love cuddling under a soft blanket and watching a movie with the smell of our seasonal candles burning. The glow from the fireplace warming the room, and the pups laying in front of it of course! Christmas lights twinkling from the tree which has tons of unopened presents underneath it. But we haven't even put away our Fell decorations yet. And I'm tired of them. Who still has a Fall wreath on the front door in December? This girl!
That is all going to change tonight. After the gym and a quick shower MrHoppy and I decided we are getting into the Christmas spirit! We are going to decorate the inside of the house. We are going to have Christmas music playing, candles burning and the fire roaring. We are going to enjoy it if it kills us! :) MrHoppy already said that he's going to try to get all the lights hung outside on Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed it isn't too cold!
Really though, I am looking forward to it. With my renewed interest in our home and decorating I have some new ideas to try and we purchased a few things to spice up our current decor a few weeks ago. And I have decided I'm not using something unless I really like it. Why put things out that I just feel "eh" about?
He and I still need to talk. We haven't seen each other since our fight on Sunday night. His schedule at the beginning of each week is opposite mine so not seeing one another for a couple days isn't unusual for us. Plus it's not really a conversation we can have while I'm at work and my co-irkers can hear every word I say! We have talked though, a little bit. And I'm not as mad as I was Sunday, or even Monday. He has taken care of a lot today on his day off and I appreciate that very much. I love him and he needs to know and feel that. BUT (and this is a big but) some things need to change. We need to figure out a solution that we're both comfortable with.
So I hope in the midst of our decorating extravaganza we can talk. Open and honest communication is so important. My sister was honest with me Monday night and said she it tired of seeing me sad. She said we need to fix this or make some decisions. And I agree with her. I'm just not sure how we'll go about that yet. We shall see!
Oh and I'm going to take pictures of us decorating. And of course pictures of how everything turns out. This blog needs some more pictures so I need to stop being so lazy about downloading them!
How do you get into the Christmas spirit?
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