Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Not to Complain but...

The workout post will have to wait until Friday. Today has been "one of those days" you know? Where you don't feel right and nothing seems to be going your way? And I just need to vent here for a sec...

Number 1. For the last few weeks I have had a lump in my throat. You know the feeling where you need to swallow but it never goes away? It's been like that for a couple weeks and is really bugging me! I read up online (I know) and a lot of sources said it could be caused by anxiety. I feel fine otherwise so I guess I'll just chalk it up to that unless it doesn't go away soon or gets worse.

Number 2. MrHoppy STILL isn't feeling better. His left side is swollen and he's having pain in the dry socket again. I am just SO over this. To top it all off he went back to the dentist yesterday and found out he was going to be out of town for the next week. He referred MrHoppy to an oral surgeon to look at it but that guy won't. Annoying, but it makes sense. Why would he take over something that he didn't do? So MrHoppy left a message today with our dentist (on vacation) to find out what the hell he is supposed to do. It's bleeding again and the packing fell out last night. What an ordeal...

Number 3. We are supposed to go snowboarding tomorrow and I'm afraid we won't be able to because of the 2 week wisdom teeth ordeal. On one hand I understand that being in pain all the time can't be fun. But on the other hand I really want to go, I have the day off work and it's been planned for a month! I know I sound so selfish right now but I seriously can't help it.

Number 4. My boss is driving me crazy today. We'll just leave it at that.

The biggest thing bugging me today is that I feel guilty. If I'm being honest I should get that out there. For what? Lemme tell ya.

There was a post on the boards yesterday while I was lurking about living child-free. And then a follow up post about whether you and your significant other had discussed options if you weren't able to conceive biological children. Most people hadn't talked about it which I didn't find surprising. But there were a few responses that totally hit the nail on the head as to how I feel. Guilty. I feel guilty because sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't married MrHoppy. Would I be a mother? Would my life be easier? Would I feel more taken care of?

Go ahead, say it. I'm a terrible person. I feel like one.

Please don't take this to mean that I don't love him or that I wish we weren't together. I love him so much and am so happy I'm his wife. I just don't know what my 25 year old self would have done if she knew what my 30 year old self now knows. And honest to God it's not just the infertility stuff that makes me wonder. He has a whole host of health problems that sometimes make me feel helpless. And exhausted. And like it's always me supporting him. I feel like the strong one and sometimes the strong one needs to be taken care of too. Sometimes a lot of little things add up to me feeling this way and I think this is the case today. I won't get into them, it's not important right now. 

I was talking to my sister (who could also be my therapist!) about this today and she suggested I write him a letter. He gets very angry and defensive when he feels like he's letting me down. Which he feels a lot and that is a whole other issue. Maybe a letter will work better to express my feelings? I'll let you all know how it goes!

And I promise to do the work out post Friday. Then next week I'll update with stats and hopefully pictures to start my progress!


  1. As far as your thoughts and feelings go everybody has those so don't be hard on yourself for thinking what ifs. Good luck with the letter.

  2. Writing sounds like a good way to get your feelings out...maybe it will help your lump in your throat. Sending you happy thoughts!