Thursday, October 14, 2010

It affects him more than I know...

Our IF I mean. And "him" is MrHoppy. Even though we are technically living child-free we are still IF. We will always be IF. I will always sympathize with others going through it. I will always remember what a failed cycle feels like, the anguish over the child that didn't come to be, the stress over the money you feel like you just flushed down the toilet. And for what? It's a desperate situation, one that affects every aspect of your life and marriage. Whether you want it to or not...

And sometimes I forget that it affects him as much, if not more, than it affects me. When we were in the battlefield of treatments I was the one that cried and got depressed. I was the one that counted days, timed sex so it wasn't too close to our IUIs - but not to far out either, researched to no end. But I didn't always think about how he must have felt when we found out how many sperm we had left post-wash. The numbers were dismal people - every time. I know he felt like a failure. I know he still feels like he's holding me back from being a Mother. I can't imagine what that feels like for him.

But he's always the strong one. The one that doesn't complain and tries to focus on the GOOD that our life holds. But last night at dinner he gave me a glimpse of how he might still be feeling. He told me that he saw on Facebook (damn you Facebook!) that his highschool girlfriend is pregnant with her first child. And that she just got married in July. And is due in May. He asked how it is fair that someone can pretty much get pregnant on their honeymoon and then people like us can't at all? He seemed sad but didn't say much else. I guess it will take us time to get used to the idea that we won't be parents. He's never let on that pregnancy announcements bother him so much. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention...


  1. oh man, do I feel you on this! Men are so good at being strong for us and it's easy to forget how much IF messes with them too, especially when you are dealing with sperm. Seeing C's pain blindsides me every time and angers me to no end, not anger towards him but to IF, and hurts me more than any of the hardcore IF stuff.

    I just want to ease his pain and I know that is what he wants for me. We talk about that a lot, our desire to end the IF hurt for the other.

    ::hugs:: I wish you and Mr. Hoppy weren't dealing with this.

  2. Thanks for reminding us that our DHs hurt too. I am constantly thinking my pain is worse than my husbands. I know he is hurting too. Hugs to our DHs.